As I cull through online profiles, I see SO many of the same mistakes…I may actually be slowly going insane.
So, if I’m forced to be subjected to the ignorance and stupidity of online men,
you all will have to listen to the occasional ranting…
Consider it a public service announcement. I’m a giver, what can I say.
Here are a few tips if you men out there wanna make the ladies swoon…
Or, at the very least, not make them throw up a little in their mouth when they view your profile.
1. It’s “woman.” With an “a.” You’re looking for a womAn. You are not looking for a women.
If you are, you may want to consider a religious change of venue. Might I recommend Yearning for Zion?
Whenever I see this typo (and I’m being gracious that it’s a typo and not just sheer idiocy), it makes me ill-inclined to “lime to chat”… I’m just sayin’.
2. Apostrophes. Use them. I can’t stress this enough. How many TIMES will the lazy men of this cyber world force this grammar-savvy girl to read the word “im?” I’m here to spread the gospel news: “Im” is not a word! Say it with me…
If you can’t handle inserting the appropriate symbol, then just type in the ONE extra letter and say, “I am.” And this guy HERE? He’s studying English. The sad irony is so thick, I may need to take the lid off to drink it all in…
It is your friend.
Don’t be afraid to use it.
Otherwise, I will purposely read your profile thusly: I’ll take one enormous breath and then read the entire thing without pause or intonation in a robotic monotone.
It kills at parties.
4. Scary photos.
I will never understand this phenomenon. Why would you want to terrify your potential soul mate?
Most women I know don’t want to see your face painted to look like your flesh is coming off, covered in creepy duck tape or with an eery gas mask on the only un-tattooed part of your body.
I know, I know… we’re so high maintenance not wanting to go out with a guy who may be imagining how we’d taste with a little Tony Chachere, slow roasted on a rotisserie spit…
The funny part is, these are usually the guys who say they don’t want any drama.
5. Crass messages.
Dude. I don’t know how to be MORE clear in my profile that I’m not just looking for a hook-up.
And, if you DO insist on going for it, at least put some nuance and cleverness into your approach.
A witty line has a lot more potential than something like this:
Listen, “I rich,” even if I WAS easy, …between the lame-sauce handle (you rich, huh? you know how talk right too?), the photos of you covered in obvious prison tats, and your practically comical use of “no” instead of “know,”…you never stood a chance. I hope dats kool.
More tips for later… if online profiles have taught me anything, it’s that the population out there has a very limited attention spa….. oh! Look! A butterfly!
You get the point. See you tomorrow!