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2013 Reasons to Die a Little Inside

It’s become evident that many of the men on dating sites haven’t been reading my handy tips on posting photos… so (because I know how helpful it is),
I’m going to post some reminders and suggestions to that end.  Think of these as the dating theses nailed to the cyber door.

Guys…pay close attention… heed my words and you’ll be on your way to digitally romantic success in no time.

You’re welcome.

 

1.  Rule number one… and I can’t stress this enough…
Consider your background.

The more outdated it is, the sexier you’ll be perceived.

Think – childrens’ bedrooms, grandmothers’ parlors, and ANYwhere that has a urinal (a classic).

These are optimal spots to set the mood for romance.

time warp

1986 called…

 

old lady wallpaper

LOVE the pink floral wallpaper.
And when I say “love,” I mean my grandmother would love it.

 

The Mickey Mouse poster on the ceiling is a NICE touch.

The Mickey Mouse poster on the ceiling is a NICE touch.

 

Urinal in full view – well-played, cowboy

 

2.  Instead of putting photos up of yourself, find random, loosely-related-to-your-life objects or scenes to post – to really paint a picture of who YOU are.

Pictures of a genuine smile have become pedestrian and archaic.
The nouveaux way is to express yourself through symbolism.  Really make this your own, guys.

Extra points for full audience confusion.
I mean, a photo of a dog says “I have a dog.”
A wad of cash says, “I wanna be a suga daddy.”
But, a random guy pouring drinks, says… um… “I like men?”…”I like to get drunk?” …either way, it’s sure to win her heart.

moms pinto 2001

Hey – at least it’s recent.
2001 feels like just yesterday.

money money money

You know, the LEAST you could do is face them all the same direction…

 

The blurry score really adds to the mystery.

The blurry score really adds to the mystery.

 

To clarify... the guy who posted this is NOT this man.

To clarify… the guy who posted this is NOT this man.

3.  Pick-up lines.

You CANNOT be too cheesy.

If it doesn’t sound like something someone would have said as part of a parody sketch, it probably isn’t magical enough to rope us in, fellas.

Ah, the 'ol alphabet line.  Never gets old.

Ah, the ‘ol alphabet line. Never gets old.

 

pick-up line 1

Is one of us a DOG in this scenario?

 

I hope YOU know CPR because I'll need help retrieving my eyeballs that just rolled back way too far...

I hope YOU know CPR because I’ll need help
retrieving my eyeballs that just rolled back way too far…

 

pick-up line 3

Just think…if reading my profile “lit up his world,” actually going OUT with me would probably kill him.

 

4.  Obscure, obscure, obsure.

If you insist on putting an actual photo of yourself on your profile, be sure to block out some part of your face, so that the women are left guessing what you truly look like.

Headless is best, but at the very minimum, hold your phone in such a way as to keep an essential body part from being seen.  Keep ’em guessing, soldiers…

I imagine him doing fish lips behind there... just because he seems like a guy full of ironic whimsy.

I imagine him doing fish lips behind there… just because he seems like a guy full of ironic whimsy.

 

Ah...the classic blinding maneuver.  Props, flash-man.

Ah…the classic blinding maneuver.
Props, flash-man.

 

Another great method - the head tilt.  All I really care about is your haircut and stud earring ANYWAY, so it works out.

Another great method – the head tilt. All I really care about is your haircut and stud earring ANYWAY, so it works out.

 

Another great way to 'mask' your true self

Another great way to ‘mask’ your true self

 

Covering/tilting his face was only half of the 8-mile nuance here... the up-the-nose angle and power lines add a certain je ne sais quoi that few can pull off.

Covering his face was only half the nuance here… the up-the-nose angle and power lines add a certain je ne sais quoi that few can pull off.

 

5.  This is SLIGHTLY off topic – but, just as important as your photos, is the name/handle you choose for yourself.  This represents you, so think long and hard about what it should be.

Obviously you want to misspell words…that almost goes without saying… but beyond THAT —

I recommend something creative like:  “TexasGuy69” (you can never go wrong with adding 69 on the end of anything.  Girls won’t clue in to the super hidden meaning, but subliminally it will make them hot for you).  Or maybe a complex and enigmatic approach, like “ImSingle” or “NeedADate.”

Your options are endless here.  Just as long as you stay away from actual descriptors, clever plays on words, family nicknames and conversation starters, you should be just fine.  Bonus points for making it overly sexual or ridiculously pathetic.

 

handle 1

 

handle 3

 

handle 2

 

handle 4

 

handle 5

 

metal slime

 

handle 6

Me make YOU use proper pronoun.
* beats on chest

6.  Avoid subtlety.

If you have a distinguishing trait you want women to know about – point it out.  Literally.  Point to it.  Or, at the very least, make it obvious by showcasing it in some way.  We are not very observant creatures, so the more conspicuous it is, the better.

Here are some examples.

This is the spot I purposely shaved off in the middle of my otherwise devilishly irresistible beard.

This is the spot I purposely shaved off in the middle of my otherwise devilishly irresistible beard.

 

I have a tattoo.  On my hand.  Where?  Right HERE!!!  See!??

I have a tattoo. On my hand. Where? Right HERE!!! See!??

 

I found the perfect moment between dressed and undressed to show you how tic-tac-toe worthy these abs are...

I found the perfect moment between dressed and undressed to show you how tic-tac-toe worthy these abs are…

 

7.  Lastly, if you can’t decide what your gimmick/niche will be…you can never go wrong posing for your photo op with a cuddly animal.  We’re women.  We love cuddly animals.
Cuddly animals, chocolate and sparkly things.
Heck, give me a “Best of Cat Fancy” calendar, and I’m yours for life.

So – set the bait with cuteness, and you can’t go wrong.  It definitely doesn’t emasculate you – that’s for certain.

pet the bunny

“Bring it in tight, don’t be shy…the interweb awaits”

 

"C'mon 'Mr. Snuffles'...climb up here and show the ladies what's what..."

“C’mon ‘Mr. Snuffles’…climb up here and show the ladies what’s what…”

 

There are more pearls of wisdom where those came from.  But I can’t go handing out all the nuggets at once.  Baby steps, men.  Baby steps.

 

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