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Ask Sarah – Uncomfortable Silences

 Dear Sarah,

Ok, you meet someone online.  There’s a bit of a spark.  You chat, then move to text.  You set up a date but due to scheduling issues the date gets pushed out.  Text conversation is simmering down to “hey” and “what’s up.”  What can you talk about to keep that interest going?  Need ideas!

Seriously….I’m down to stuff like “I like the color purple.  No, not the actual color, the movie.” 

Help o loquacious one….


uncomfortable silences

First of all, I think I’m going to add “Loquacious One” to my growing list of nicknames.  Love.

Next…  I’ve been on the OTHER end of this…where I begin to lose interest before we ever meet…so communications naturally taper off… and here are the reasons why:
  1. It’s SO hard to find a time to meet that I start thinking I wouldn’t want to date this guy anyway if he’s THAT busy.  I really value availability in relationships.
  2. I’ve gone back and looked at his profile again and noticed something I didn’t see before (he’s shorter than I am, he listed ‘religion’ differently than I go for, he lives outside the loop (ok, ok…I’ll make exceptions for this one..but let’s not get crazy, League City…), he’s got a total body tattoo that didn’t jump off the page the first time I looked…you know – that sorta thing).
  3. As we’ve been texting, it’s become obvious that he’s not as smart or witty as I’d hoped…so why would I want to get together with him?
  4. While I was waiting to meet him, someone else came along who grabbed my attention more.
If any of these things were going on, I’d probably just let communication die down naturally.  After all, we haven’t yet met, so I don’t feel like I owe him an explanation.
BUT… if a guy ever asks – and they have – I’ll tell ’em what’s up.
Example: 
          Tatooed, un-funny, Jesus-hating Dallas-dweller:   “Hey ….did you lose interest?”
           Me:  “I’m sorry I’ve been MIA.  To be honest… the more I think about it, the more I just don’t think we’re a good match.”
Boom.  Just like that.
So – to YOUR question – and what you can do.

First of all, there IS just a chance that she got busy with her job, family, etc. and it has nothing to do with you.  For me, that’s almost never the case because I give a LOT of priority to relationships…even budding ones.  And if I really like a guy, I’ll keep the text momentum going even IF I’m busy.  BUT, not all women are like me.  Some are much more career-focused and can zone out of one facet of life to devote themselves to work issues/demands.  I have girlfriends who will go dark for a while and then come back to life on the weekends.

 

So – she may be genuinely busy.

 

But, if it’s NOT that… all you can do is be yourself, use your wit to keep her laughing, and get that face-to-face on the calendar as SOON as possible.  Because, honestly, so many people are more attractive once you’ve met them, than they EVER are over texting.  (Sadly, the opposite is also true…but that’s a discussion for another day).
I think you could even ADDRESS the situation with a sense of humor.  You could say, “I’ve noticed you haven’t been texting as much…is it my breath?”  Or something equally silly.  That way, she can respond to the issue if she wants, or she can avoid it with an LOL and leave you as clueless as you are now, but… still engaged.
Lastly,… one of my pet peeves is when guys text ONLY about themselves or only closed-ended topics.
Throw out a text that demands a response!  I don’t mean that you need to ask her her thoughts on the conflict in the middle east, but engage her about HER.
For instance – I love the silliness of the “color purple” bit… use that line and then ask her what movies she likes!?
If she still isn’t responsive, it might be time to just fish or cut bait…see if she’s still willing to meet up, and make a solid commitment to a time/place. 
If she hedges, cut her loose. 
You don’t need to beg.

One Response

  1. Chris

    I’d rather know that I’m not in the running than hearing nothing. If I’m attracted to someone, but they’re not feeling it, I just want to know as soon as possible so I can move on versus thinking there might be something there, and possibly nixing something with someone else.

    April 10, 2013 at 6:19 pm

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