I love the way the men on dating sites so easily list their ‘demands.’ And, as you may have suspected, when I say “love,” I mean that I find it insanely annoying…
It’s one thing to list the things you enjoy…in hopes that the girl you find may like some of them. It’s even ok to list a few deal-breakers. I mean, heck…we all have ‘em. But why do men expect that the girl they want to find, is going to love all the things they do? I mean… I don’t expect to find a guy that wants to Zumba with me, and then sip veggie smoothies from Jamba Juice whilst watching Gossip Girl, and then hunker down in bed playing Words-With-Friends. (But, …to be clear…if I FOUND that guy… and he was straight….I’d lock that junk DOWN).
Women don’t do this. We definitely have our expectations of the kind of person we want… but our “list of demands” has to do more with character and relational style than hobbies or interests. I, for one, am not holding my breath that I’m going to find a guy who wants to go shopping at Sephora with me – spritz all the new scents, try the latest lipgloss colors, and search for the perfect blush brush. That’s what I have my best friend for. And there are certainly activities that I love, and would love to find a guy who wanted to enjoy them with me, but……I don’t make them dealbreakers. I would love to find a guy who will throw me around the dance floor… but this isn’t a condition of dating or loving someone! And I’ve come to terms with the fact that – that may be something I just do with girlfriends – and I’m ok with that!
Not the men I’ve run across on the online scene…
I’m considering just starting my profile with this disclaimer…I really think it’ll bring the men running:
“I don’t like camping, sports, hunting, video games or dogs. I have zero problem with my significant other liking/doing/having these things – and I may even join in from time to time if he is gracious about it. But, don’t make it a condition of dating me… cause you’ll be missing out. 😉
I really think that starting out on such a positive note will be well-received. After all, all the men say they want an honest woman, right?
Here are some of the annoying or even tacky expectations I’ve run across:
1. “I love to camp, and my girl needs to love it to.” (aside: if there are quotes, then, yes, I’m literally quoting a profile. But then, I would’ve used the correct “too,” so maybe you already knew that) – a lot of women like being with a man who loves to camp, but we don’t particularly enjoy sleeping on the ground and having to hike to use the potty…
I would bet that, of all the girls who actually DO enjoy camping, if you were to take cute boys out of the mix, 90% of them would be out.
I like Jim Gaffigan’s take on camping –
And it’s not that I’m a total princess. I mean – I sweat! Hello, I Zumba, I go out salsa dancing and 2-stepping. I can get dirty… I’ll dig in the sand, or wade through seaweedy water at the beach with my kiddos. But when it comes to sleeping – I want my bed. And my climate control. And my flushable, clean, doesn’t-smell-like-toxic-waste toilet that’s a mere 8 steps away… is that so wrong? (OK, …in all fairness… I suppose I AM a princess…. moving on…)
2. Sports lovers who want their potential partner to love them as much as they do.
Men – these girls are out there. There are 4 of ‘em.
Otherwise, we’re at varying degrees on the continuum from
“enjoy sports from time to time but don’t want to have to suffer through daily games during any given season”
“endure it only because we love you.”
For my part… I’m on the “endure” end… so that alone apparently makes me an ill-fitting candidate for a lot of men…
I also don’t want to watch ESPN as they talk ABOUT the game we just watched (read: that I was already forced to endure…). You know how LONG these things are to begin with? In the time it takes something-something-team to play all the innings, quarters or what-have-you, I could’ve had a massage, facial, man-pedi, had lunch with a friend, done my taxes and brewed my own beer.
Now – I WILL gladly snuggle up with someone as he watches the game – but don’t expect me to participate in any fashion. I’m not gonna scream at that ‘awesome play!’ or jump up and down yelling at the TV, “C’mon, ref! Are you blind??” And if you turn to me and say, “Oh my GOSH, did you SEE that?” I’ll want so badly to know what you’re talking about because I care about you, but the truth is, I was probably staring off into the space just to the left of the TV contemplating what shoes would go with those new earrings I just found at the cutest little shop…. The best scenario you can hope for would be me sitting next to you, on my laptop with the earbuds in, plowing through a season of Drop Dead Diva or something equally ‘other’ from sports. Can we make that work? I propose that we can.
– “Must love dogs. Non-negotiable.” (Again…direct quote)
You know how many men have something akin to this phrase in their profile? Do I get to say the same thing about my animal of choice? “Chinchilla lovers only. I’m very firm on this.”
I mean… it’s not like just because I’m not a dog person, I’m gonna slowly poison theirs.
Well…I mean… not unless it’s a yapper.
Or a licker.
Or smells gross.
Or jumps up and puts holes in my clothes….
Ok, now that I think about it…. It would be SO simple to just leave the back door open… No, no… that would be wrong.
Oh, settle… I’m joking. I am neutral on dogs. I don’t love them. I don’t hate them. My ex had a sweet (wild, but sweet) dog who was kind enough to keep my feet warm in the winter when I’d be watching movies in his let’s-make-the-inside-feel-as-cold-as-the-outside-winter-air house. I even fed his dog for him from time to time (okay, I think it was twice), or let him out, or went on walks with him (again…this was just to be with the cute boy, but still…that counts, …right?). I guess I just don’t want to be in charge of a dog. If I can be part of the guy’s life and co-exist with the animals…isn’t that enough? Do I HAVE to be friends with them? Doesn’t seem fair to make this a condition for love.
3. Gym Rats who expect their partner to work out as much as they do. I LOVE working out, but I don’t want to feel like the affections of a man are resting on how many times I made it to the gym in a given week. Also – I do not want to do P90X or Crossfit…for whatever that’s worth. Every time I hear a guy proselytize about those, I feel like I’m getting the Amway or Pampered Chef speech. “I’d love to tell you about some exciting opportunities in the fitness world!” Oy…
Side note on this one… There are a large number of men who specify that they want a woman who is skinny or fit…and go to great lengths to make it clear that they aren’t interested in imperfect bodies. You know…if that’s what you want… fine! But, saying it makes you sound douchey and shallow. All you have to do is look at the pictures and you’ll know if she’s a match for you. That’s why we HAVE profile pictures! So you can choose to communicate with the people YOU find attractive!
I actually read one profile where the guy wrote, “Looks are really important to me. If you even think you might be overweight, you probably are …so don’t contact me.” Keep it classy, Match.com…
Another guy made plans with me. Full-on plans – with times, location, and everything. We were flirting/texting back and forth for a while the day of our planned meeting, and then he texted,
“Are you fit?”
This guy had already presumably seen my photos on my profile and I have several H2T pics on there (head to toe – full length) – specifically so that these guys can see what they’d be getting into – no false advertising here. I’ve come to terms with my situation. I’ve had two kids, I love food… I’m a curvy woman. But I also work out hard several times a week, and go dancing. I’m in pretty good shape…under these curves… So – how was I supposed to answer this? The very fact that he texted it was discouraging – because it was information…
information about his priorities (or the fact that he’d just skimmed my profile and not even looked at the photos?).
I texted back, “Well, I’ve had two kiddos, but I also workout 3-4 times a week, so I’m in decent shape. Here’s a photo from a week ago” and I attached a very recent picture of me.
He texted back something along the lines of that being acceptable…blah blah… the end gist of it is this:
…he never showed.
Yup. A real gentleman.
(And then guys are genuinely surprised when women are self-conscious about our looks/shapes….)
I haven’t even covered hunting or video-games….but for the sake of your time – I’ll save those for another juncture.
If you’re looking for a partner who loves to camp, hunt, do P90X with you every day, loves sports and who will take care of your dogs…you’re barking up the wrong tree. (see what I did there?) In fact, you may just want to date your best guy friend…in which case, we have a whole other sorta roadblock on our hands…ahem…
But, if you’re looking for someone who has an equal number of interests of her own that she won’t require you to adopt, but is fun, smart and sassy…. I think I know of JUST the girl.