Well – ’tis the season… The wildflowers are in full bloom, the temperature and humidity are rapidly rising, the pollen count is high, and people have reclaimed all those vices they gave up for lent. It can all only mean one thing. Springtime is here!? Well, perhaps, but it also means we’re long overdue for a chat about online dating MESSAGES. (What…is that not a seasonal thing?)
At the risk of being a resounding gong… how many times do the women of the singles community have to say it – we just want normal, thoughtful first messages in our various dating app inboxes?
It’s not difficult. It can be as simple and generic as “hi there! Your profile is great! I’d love to get to know you more. Take a look at my profile, and if you don’t go running for the hills, let’s chat! Fingers crossed…”
Then, if you’re feeling especially adventurous, you could even make a reference to something in her profile that caught your eye – or make a joke – or ask her a question (as simple as “what are some of your favorite things to do/places to go in [fill in your own city here]?)”
Was that too difficult? Heck, half of it could be locked and loaded in copy-paste mode ready to throw down on any interesting profile you come across.
But nay… that is NOT what happens.
What women DON’T want are things like:
Yes, shocking though it may be, this bulwark of imagination and wit isn’t exactly the invitation to a whirlwind romance we crave. What it IS is the least number of characters a body can type and still be understood. It almost never even comes with punctuation. I mean,…c’mon…throw a girl a bone… an exclamation point!? An emoticon?? SOMEthing.
I decided a couple months ago, for the sake of entertainment, that I would start answering the messages I usually delete… but with a response commensurate with what they sent me. So, if they begin with the ubiquitous “hi,” then I’ll “hi” them back. Then, for every subsequent communication, they’ll get back what they give. And the results of my sociological experiment were…well… predictably horrifying.
Another great way to start things off is to jump right into personal or intrusive questions. Thusly:
Finishing with the half insult is always a boss move. But why not take it one step further and simply START with a criticism? Like this guy:
Or, you could mix it up… throw in something which could be an observation, but is likely a criticism, followed by grammatically flawed compliments. Something like this:
Next…in case you’re thinking, “awww…maybe English is his second language?!” No. It’s not. He’s as white and born-&-bred ‘Merican as they come. He’s just… not bright.
Or he’s high…
Either way – pass.
And now we come to the part of the post where we discuss the nasty guys who come right out of the gate with naughty stuff. Because somehow years of relationship evolution haven’t reached them and they’re under the delusion that women, though their profile lists them as wanting a “relationship,” REALLY, in fact, just want someone to approach them like a drunk frat boy at a bar.
I don’t think he got that I was TRYING to be obtuse about the “turn me on” thing…acting like I didn’t get that it was sexual. But he just kept barreling on like a dog with an obsolete bone.
Then there’s this… not even sure how to tee this one up:
That’s out there.
And then… oh… this one’s a doozy. See if you can keep up with me. I tried to be especially obtuse here…
I played “I don’t know NOTHIN’ about [fill in the blank] at every turn… and he
Not much to say after that.
I will say this. One guy played along with my antics, so I had to showcase him as one of the rare exceptions who was a good sport.
He started with one of my pet peeves – a first message with only one word.
So, naturally, I responded in kind, with another random single word. But then he kept going…and he made me giggle with his last word, so – here’s a shout out to this guy:
Well, there you have it.
While all you coupled-up folks have fun watching the daffodils bloom and seeing little girls skip to the playground in their floral dresses, us single folks will still be here face-palming at the receipt of stupid/tawdry/lazy first messages.
It’s been a while since we’ve discussed the etiquette of online dating messaging… so I thought I’d circle back the wagons of wisdom, and offer up a few reminders to keep your love life moving along swimmingly.
1. The overkill approach.
AND ‘like’ several of their photographs,
AND ‘wink’ at them,
AND message them multiple times… they will wake up to something like this:
This is what we, in the biz, call “overwhelming.” Don’t flood the inbox, guys. It looks desperate. It’s the online equivalent of coming up to us at the bar and giving us ALL of your “best” pick-up lines, one right after another, in a seemingly endless chain of pitiful.
Do not do this.
If you’re interested in someone you see online, simply write a message. Don’t wink, don’t ‘flirt,’ don’t ‘like’ his/her photo – just write a sweet, thoughtful note that shows you actually read his/her profile first.
2. Infidelity Proposals.
It would take a full lobotomy on my part.
Oh, and a complete disregard for all that is good and decent in this world.
What’s that you say? That must be an isolated event? Oh no, mon frère… oh no.
Online dating, despite its perks and benefits, is also riddled with jerkface guys looking to get a little suhmn-suhmn on the side. Like THIS charming fellow.
What are you SAYING, “Lotsa3nergy1,”… that not only are you fully intent on cheating on your wife, but ALSO that I can find you looming about in strip clubs?
I was wondering how I was going to make it as a mom, but then this guy stepped in to save the day. Whew…
Not only is he going to help me raise my kids (that he’s never met. In fact…he’s never met me. In FAAAact…he’s never even heard BACK from me)… but we get to have another one together!
(Did I mention this guy is 62? yup. All my dreams are coming true.)
Don’t write to someone only to insult them or offer up unsolicited advice.
If you think my profile is too long… then don’t read it!
(That was supposed to read: “lazy,” but…who has the time?
Ah, the one word message. It’s the textual equivalent of the selfie with a urinal in the background… no one likes ’em and yet, they’re everywhere.
So, you read my profile (looked at my photos), decided you thought we have the potential to have a meaningful relationship (thought there was a chance of gettin’ lucky), and concluded the best way to get my attention and interest was to type TWO letters (the best you could do) ?
A generic message is bad.
A generic and lazy one is even worse.
Heck… “Hello!” at least has 6 characters… sheesh.
Men – as in life and love – a woman wants you to put some TIME and THOUGHT into her.
I’m betting very few amazing love stories started with the man typing ‘hi’ and clicking ‘send.’
If it’s the FIRST message… maybe don’t begin with a melodramatic journey into your tortured soul.
Unless it’s one artist writing to another artist, this comes off cocky and annoying. And honestly, I’m usually looking at it with my proverbial red pen.
What’s a shahirya?
He’s everywhere. And there’s nothing sexier than a guy writing you in the wee hours, because he’s SO desperate for ‘attention’ that he’s aiming for the bottom branches – the low-hanging fruit of women he’s never even met or communicated with.
These messages are all about playing the numbers game – send enough out and SOMEone’s bound to bite.
…but not this fish.
Here are a few…lest you think I’m exaggerating.
Well, we could be here all day going through the vast and charmless messages I’ve received, but I think I’ve made my point.
At the end of the day, here’s all it really takes:
– Be nice.
– Make it obvious that you read the person’s profile (reference something from it…OTHER than the photos).
– Ask a question – this is your hook to get a response. Plus, it shows interest in the other person.
– Steer clear of future relationship talk, sexual language or marriage proposals.
That oughtta do it, killer.
I’ve gotten a few discouraged e-mails over this last week from readers (I think it was the “let me sniff it” message that really put a damper on peoples’ confidence in the world), so I thought I’d do a “nice post.” Here are a few sweet or clever messages/profiles I’ve received/seen in the last few weeks.
There ARE good guys out there. Their profiles may not make us simultaneously spit out our drink laughing while simultaneously dying a little inside…like most of the ones I post – but they exist. And we should be glad they do. Here’s some proof:
It seems there’s a
rain cloud thunder cloud post nuclear mushroom cloud hovering over my love life. It’s been a while since something exciting or hopeful crossed my love-seeking path…
Hey – it happens.
And, while it’s disappointing, I can roll with it, because I know it’s just for a season (hopefully a short season… more of a Florida summer afternoon rain shower than a Sri Lankan monsoon….here’s hoping?).
But, it’s a little nerve-wracking when my friends are being messaged by charming, hunky, God-fearin’, 2-steppin’, witty-as-anything men while I get comments like (and I’m not even joking…see below), “let me sniff it.”
And all it does is make me throw up a little in my mouth. Thanks, McNasty.
Is this what’s left?
Is this IT?? I ask you!!?!
* pumps fist dramatically into the stormy onslaught.
So, in a temporary moment of self-pity, today’s post will focus on the crass, self-absorbed, brain-numbingly boring or idiotic messages I receive… because, hey – misery loves company.
A little explanation on this one. This is from Zoosk and on that site, you can set it up to have an automatic response if someone only winks at you. Mine is set up to say something silly, like, “what? Just a wink? C’mon… blah blah blah…”
This guy apparently didn’t find it cute and adorable as I’d intended, and wrote this pompous message.
a. I like how he says he read my profile and then later says he “guesses” I have a “masters in something”… um – yeah. It says so RIGHT on my profile, buddy. Apparently HIS 2 masters and doctorate didn’t help him read mine for full comprehension.
b. If my “arrogance is choking him,” why did he message me? JUST to lecture me or show his academic superiority?
Sigh ….. again….
But YU may need to buy a vowel.
Wow. What’s the OPPOSITE of turned-on? That’s what I am. Not only does this let me know you’re WAY more into gaming than I’d ever want to be with… but… there are sex scenes in video games? Oh good grief. I already have to compete against the world of pornography and strip clubs and the real-life women who throw their sexuality around like it’s Halloween candy. But now, I have to contend with some high def anime ‘woman?’ (presumably perfectly proportioned… I mean, I’m guessing the makers of these games aren’t making Sarah-esque curvy but sassy sex robots).
I had to Google “Triss Merigold.” Let me say this – if you’re feeling down and want to read something hilarious – Google “Triss Merigold.” She’s a sorceress who heals others but is allergic to magic. Here’s a pic:<— Well, this is embarrassing. I almost wore this exact same outfit today.
There’s nothing HERE? !
There’s no photo, no description of who you are (other than that you like the beach and stars…which…. let’s be honest…who doesn’t?).
All work and no play – sign me up.
Oh boy… and I mean BOY.
He is a BOY.
Lookin’ for a mama.
This is so self-indulgent and juvenile.
Where are the men who will ask what delicious meal THEY can cook? Are there any left who CAN cook?
A profile photo that tells me everything I need to know.
Well… except for EVERYthing.
Heck – I don’t even know WHAT this IS!? I can only assume it’s some sort of food-like product. But what? And more importantly,… WHY??
I think there were more mistakes than coherent phrases in this message. Sorry, boo.
This guy doesn’t really like….ANYthing, does he?
I can’t imagine a more lifeless and generic “About Me” section.
Dude… is there NO nuance left in this world?
I kept reading this thinking he would type, “Oh, just kidding!” but he never did. This is REALLY his profile. And if he’s going for some kind of twisted humor, I suppose I’m just not his target audience. I don’t know what woman is. It’s not even particularly clever – just mean.
Also, it’s not “that just sounded hilariousness,” smarty-pants.
If clever means the sort of humor I used to hear in middle school.
Mr. Class himself.
This guy is a treasure, I’m here to tell you.
There isn’t anything more woo-worthy than having a guy say this to you.
So – all of you out there who are going on lots of dates with great guys…
Throw a little of that mojo this way. Because I’m drowning in bad grammar, snore-fests and jerks.
Help a sista out.
It’s become evident that many of the men on dating sites haven’t been reading my handy tips on posting photos… so (because I know how helpful it is),
I’m going to post some reminders and suggestions to that end. Think of these as the dating theses nailed to the cyber door.
Guys…pay close attention… heed my words and you’ll be on your way to digitally romantic success in no time.
1. Rule number one… and I can’t stress this enough…
Consider your background.
The more outdated it is, the sexier you’ll be perceived.
Think – childrens’ bedrooms, grandmothers’ parlors, and ANYwhere that has a urinal (a classic).
These are optimal spots to set the mood for romance.
2. Instead of putting photos up of yourself, find random, loosely-related-to-your-life objects or scenes to post – to really paint a picture of who YOU are.
Pictures of a genuine smile have become pedestrian and archaic.
The nouveaux way is to express yourself through symbolism. Really make this your own, guys.
Extra points for full audience confusion.
I mean, a photo of a dog says “I have a dog.”
A wad of cash says, “I wanna be a suga daddy.”
But, a random guy pouring drinks, says… um… “I like men?”…”I like to get drunk?” …either way, it’s sure to win her heart.
3. Pick-up lines.
You CANNOT be too cheesy.
If it doesn’t sound like something someone would have said as part of a parody sketch, it probably isn’t magical enough to rope us in, fellas.
4. Obscure, obscure, obsure.
If you insist on putting an actual photo of yourself on your profile, be sure to block out some part of your face, so that the women are left guessing what you truly look like.
Headless is best, but at the very minimum, hold your phone in such a way as to keep an essential body part from being seen. Keep ’em guessing, soldiers…
5. This is SLIGHTLY off topic – but, just as important as your photos, is the name/handle you choose for yourself. This represents you, so think long and hard about what it should be.
Obviously you want to misspell words…that almost goes without saying… but beyond THAT —
I recommend something creative like: “TexasGuy69” (you can never go wrong with adding 69 on the end of anything. Girls won’t clue in to the super hidden meaning, but subliminally it will make them hot for you). Or maybe a complex and enigmatic approach, like “ImSingle” or “NeedADate.”
Your options are endless here. Just as long as you stay away from actual descriptors, clever plays on words, family nicknames and conversation starters, you should be just fine. Bonus points for making it overly sexual or ridiculously pathetic.
6. Avoid subtlety.
If you have a distinguishing trait you want women to know about – point it out. Literally. Point to it. Or, at the very least, make it obvious by showcasing it in some way. We are not very observant creatures, so the more conspicuous it is, the better.
Here are some examples.
7. Lastly, if you can’t decide what your gimmick/niche will be…you can never go wrong posing for your photo op with a cuddly animal. We’re women. We love cuddly animals.
Cuddly animals, chocolate and sparkly things.
Heck, give me a “Best of Cat Fancy” calendar, and I’m yours for life.
So – set the bait with cuteness, and you can’t go wrong. It definitely doesn’t emasculate you – that’s for certain.
There are more pearls of wisdom where those came from. But I can’t go handing out all the nuggets at once. Baby steps, men. Baby steps.
Let’s just pick right up in the barren wasteland where we left off, shall we?
6. No punching.
Do I need to review the rules of behavior from Kindergarten playground days?
(Actually….. (strokes invisible Fu Manchu ‘stache)… that wouldn’t be a bad idea for a blog post… things you learned on the Kindergarten playground that apply to your dating life now. So, I’ll work on the title, whatevs)
I don’t want to see you making your most menacing face, assuming the bully stance and capturing your clenched fist in the shot. I see – no lie – at least one of these a week.
Did I miss some macabre memo where women want to see a guy’s “rage-y” side? Last I heard, we liked when men were kind and sweet and used their hands to stroke our hair or rub our feet, not threaten abuse. But, then, what do I know… perhaps they’re going for a Chris Brown sorta vibe? (too soon…?)
7. Messaging a woman multiple times when she’s clearly not interested.
Look… I just don’t have the time to reply to every man who messages me.
If I think I’m interested, I’ll write back.
If I’m not interested, but his message is sweet or charming, I’ll often write back.
But, if I’m not interested at all, I move on. No time to waste.
Why do guys think that if a woman hasn’t written back, that the best course of action is to keep bugging her?
Sure, there’s something to be said for persistence (maybe TWO messages), but when you just can’t stop… we call that a stalker.
8. Photos of you with your car.
Unless you are an auto-mechanic, a car salesman or a pimp, this really isn’t relevant. I don’t want to see pictures OF your car, and I don’t even want to see photos of you posing WITH your car like you’re some 1980’s magazine model. You are not.
If you’re into cars, great. Tell me that in the written part of your profile. You don’t see me snapping photos of my bargain finds from Sam Moon or the latest mortar ‘n pestle I found for perfectly muddling my mint, do you? The only reason for putting the cars in there is to brag that they’re either expensive or particularly manly. That’s lame. Stop doing it, MmmmK?
You may be thinking, “hey, these people are just showing a piece of their personality. Or, maybe you’re thinking, “they’re letting you know that they HAVE a tattoo, in case you’re not a “tattoo person” (which, incidentally, I’m not).
But I postulate that it’s just a cheap excuse to show off their bodies/muscles. It’s like the male equivalent to the gratuitous cleavage photo.
What’s worse is that half the time, ALL they have on their profiles are the tat pics.
No faces, jut skulls.
No charming smiles, just flames and crosses.
No “check out my friends and I at last year’s Halloween Pub Crawl!”…only unintelligible Chinese characters and old girlfriends’ names. Really? (Sighs…)
They’re great…but I don’t need to see you pulling up your shirt to show them off.
Look – women certainly appreciate a guy who’s fit – I’d be lying if I said otherwise. We also like a guy who’s strong – it appeals to that primal desire for a protector. But, we’re not sitting around dreaming about a man with tight abs. Seriously.
In fact, if I was to make a list of qualities women look for (say I polled 1,000 women), I’m willing to bet that “a wicked 6-pack” doesn’t even crack the top 25. Am I alone here, ladies?
Show me a photo where you’re smiling ear to ear or caught mid-laugh, and I’m yours. Cutting off your head so as to get a focused shot of your abs…I’m not yours.
Well, there you go… for now.
I’m sure there are a hundred more “tips” I could provide, based on my unfortunately protracted foray into the online dating profile world, but…. .baby steps.
As I cull through online profiles, I see SO many of the same mistakes…I may actually be slowly going insane.
So, if I’m forced to be subjected to the ignorance and stupidity of online men,
you all will have to listen to the occasional ranting…
Consider it a public service announcement. I’m a giver, what can I say.
Here are a few tips if you men out there wanna make the ladies swoon…
Or, at the very least, not make them throw up a little in their mouth when they view your profile.
1. It’s “woman.” With an “a.” You’re looking for a womAn. You are not looking for a women.
If you are, you may want to consider a religious change of venue. Might I recommend Yearning for Zion?
Whenever I see this typo (and I’m being gracious that it’s a typo and not just sheer idiocy), it makes me ill-inclined to “lime to chat”… I’m just sayin’.
2. Apostrophes. Use them. I can’t stress this enough. How many TIMES will the lazy men of this cyber world force this grammar-savvy girl to read the word “im?” I’m here to spread the gospel news: “Im” is not a word! Say it with me…
If you can’t handle inserting the appropriate symbol, then just type in the ONE extra letter and say, “I am.” And this guy HERE? He’s studying English. The sad irony is so thick, I may need to take the lid off to drink it all in…
It is your friend.
Don’t be afraid to use it.
Otherwise, I will purposely read your profile thusly: I’ll take one enormous breath and then read the entire thing without pause or intonation in a robotic monotone.
It kills at parties.
4. Scary photos.
I will never understand this phenomenon. Why would you want to terrify your potential soul mate?
Most women I know don’t want to see your face painted to look like your flesh is coming off, covered in creepy duck tape or with an eery gas mask on the only un-tattooed part of your body.
I know, I know… we’re so high maintenance not wanting to go out with a guy who may be imagining how we’d taste with a little Tony Chachere, slow roasted on a rotisserie spit…
The funny part is, these are usually the guys who say they don’t want any drama.
5. Crass messages.
Dude. I don’t know how to be MORE clear in my profile that I’m not just looking for a hook-up.
And, if you DO insist on going for it, at least put some nuance and cleverness into your approach.
A witty line has a lot more potential than something like this:
Listen, “I rich,” even if I WAS easy, …between the lame-sauce handle (you rich, huh? you know how talk right too?), the photos of you covered in obvious prison tats, and your practically comical use of “no” instead of “know,”…you never stood a chance. I hope dats kool.
More tips for later… if online profiles have taught me anything, it’s that the population out there has a very limited attention spa….. oh! Look! A butterfly!
You get the point. See you tomorrow!
Before we get to another winner’s circle ‘episode,’ I’d just like to say THANK YOU to my readers for spreading the word and helping me get my blog out there!
As of this morning, it’s being read in 22 countries…unbelievable! (And what’s up with my Canada contingent? You guys are wicked awesome, ehh!) And yes… even though my logical mind tells me that at least half of these are accidental clicks by people who don’t even read English and they probably curse my name and call me some kind of American slur before zooming off to another more interesting website, I choose to let the fantasy part of my brain imagine that there really are people in Malawi who actually care about the dating life of this single mama… what can I say. I dream big.
Alright. Now that we’ve got my falsely-inflated ego up and running,
let’s dash all hope back to the ground with another disturbing group of online options.
I felt like we should hit the ground running – and what does that better than elf ears?
The girl who sent me this photo actually said, “I’m now adding ‘elf ears’ to my list of dealbreakers.” Hahaha! How often are you gonna hear THAT phrase?
But, I don’t know, Jen…the delicate filigreed headpiece and long flowing locks are SO masculine – you sure you won’t give him a chance? Your lego-loss. (yes…yes I did).
Did this guy just ask me to pick him up…from the hospital? Yes. That happened.
Now, for those of you thinking…”maybe he’s a Doctor!?”…read on. Definitely no doctor. At least none I’d want operating on me…
Besides…if you were a doctor, and let’s say you needed the ride because you rode your bike to work to save the environment (trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here), don’t you think you’d MENTION that?
So, with the limited information I had…all I could do was picture me fleeing the scene with an escaped mental ward patient.
Is there a store in Houston that exclusively sells see-through zebra-striped shirts, wife beaters and jeans with the “whispered” distressed look? This is like this guy’s uniform. In the written part of his profile he said he had “great style.” These MUST be the “before” photos.
Well, I take disappointment with 2% milk, so…
What is a “total energy system?”
It sounds like something he’s selling. Like a complete home gym. No, wait…that’s a total body system.
Maybe he’s an electricity broker? Then again…..uh-NO.
And every day, you must be alone. Very alone.
I can’t think of a worse possible way to make yourself attractive to women, than by holding a video game controller and superimposing cheesy text atop the photo that lets us know you have no intention of growing up. If I want a boy, trapped in a one-too-many-trays-of-bagel-bites man’s body… I know right where to find him. Thanks.
How many families does this guy plan to have? It’s starting to sound a little “Yearning for Zion.”
“Look, Nagini, I got you a special snack… he’s a little nervous, but just talk sweetly to him.
‘So-o-o-oft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur’…”
And, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t address the photo in its entirety –
– unhealthy long man hair – check
– beret with a Warner Bros. character embroidered on it – check
– strange assortment of what I can only assume are bomb-making ingredients on the counter behind him – check
– nutcracker that you KNOW he keeps up year-round – check
– pre-staged cultic animal sacrifice setup – check
It’s everything you want in an online photo.
I looked up “creepy” in the dictionary and this was the illustration.
Apparently if you use a sexually charged handle along with a child’s photo, and then for the picture you insert in your message to me, you use what I can only assume is gay porn – that’s a surefire way to win this heterosexual mother’s heart.
I have to go take a shower now.
Usually the phrase, “Wow, where to begin!” is an entry into more discussion. Nope. Not for this guy. That IS his story.
I guess it’s good, though…it gives me a lot to think about while I’m being stared at on our first date. I mean,…..ideally.
Reasons why you’d post this for your profile photo:
– you want to let me know right off the bat that you can’t drive, so I’m going to have to pick you up (hey! Maybe THIS is hospital guy!??)
– you think the black cast and dead toenail gives off a cool goth vibe.
– you think a broken bone shows vulnerability and a ‘sensitive side’ – CERTAINLY not your own probable stupidity or klutziness.
– this IS the most attractive angle/part of your body…hmmm…
I feel sorry for his little girl, if she ever sees this. Even the car got all caps…
Ladies, THIS is what you could wake up to every morning. Jesus on the cross and black duck lips. Yum.
(Obligatory Disclaimer: I’m not a duckface racist. I have no more problem with black duck lips over any others. Red and yellow, black and white, they are mood-killers in my sight.)
Did he misspell ‘joke?’ or ‘jock?’
Either way – if your entire story is about being a used car dealer…I think I’ll pass.
And the 1940s upholstery inspired ensemble isn’t helping. And that’s no jok.
Lest you think he took the not-so-subtle cues I was lobbing over the booty-call fence, …he did not. He messaged me again with all the ‘reasons’ why I should reconsider. (For the sake of keeping this blog relatively family friendly, I couldn’t post that part. But just trust me that I know ALL there is to know about his… well…yeah…there was definitely a “brown bag foul” called on this scene.)
Wow…this is such blatant peacocking. Do men really think this junk works? “Ooooh! Look at the shiny and expensive gold jewelry! He must have money… (and OBVIOUSLY excellent taste….and exquisite grammar). I shall date him posthaste!”
If they’re going to insist on putting out the proverbial red cape to entice the bull, at the very least they could use something that might make some movement in the right direction… gift certificates to the local Day Spa? Pictures of your framed doctorate? a note from your mother saying that you treat her well, but aren’t suffocatingly close?
Well, this is a match made in heaven – because I DO, in fact, want to live.
On second thought…’match made in heaven‘ MIGHT not have been the best choice of words…
I thought we’d end on a high note. And when I say “END”…..
This guy was actually quite considerate – he is telling me RIGHT from the beginning, what I’d be getting myself into should we date. Sure, there’ll only be one date. But, it’s gonna be a storybook fantasy…
My what a pale face you have… “the better to freak you out with, my dear”
And, my what red lips you have… “the better to drink your blood and not have it look out of place, my dear”
And, my what a shiiiiiiiny knife you have… “the better to cut up your body into hundreds of untraceable pieces with, my dear”
SO….yeah. I’m not sure there are any words at this point that could make any of this more palatable.
For those of you in happy relationships, go hug your significant other and count your lucky stars that you’ve found love.
For those of you on the hunt…sorry to bring you to the precipice of discouragement and misery. But don’t jump JUST yet…
If only because there are more ‘gems’ to come. And if I can take you deeper into that dark place, well… I’ve done my job.
Since so many of you have asked my advice on how to make your profiles REALLY ‘pop,’ I thought I’d dispense some more of my color commentary on all things profiles, including a continued look at what’s hot right now, so you can stay on trend. Here’s what’s new and in vogue.
1. Headless shots. You REALLY don’t want to give the whole cow away right from the get-go, you feel me? So – keep the intrigue alive by eradicating any hope a viewer has of seeing what you truly look like. After all, beauty is within, right?
If you can’t eliminate the head altogether, at the VERY least, tuck your chin, stand far back from the mirror
or hide in the shadows – very Phantom of the Opera-esque.
2. Glamour, glamour, glamour. Set yourself apart by taking it old-school glamour shot.
Don’t be afraid to go full-tilt here and sport a fauxhawk, a mullet or some zipper earrings.
If you get in a pinch – maybe your local mall doesn’t HAVE a glamour shot studio anymore (as if…) – one fallback idea is to post your prom photo. Don’t worry at ALL that it’s extraordinarily outdated. That only adds to the excitement.
And, no QUESTION he gets extra points for matching the vest, tie, boutonniere, her dress and corsage. Whew! LOOOtta pink.
3. Be purposely enigmatic in your writing style. Now, there is a fine line between coming across as stupid or uneducated and simply mysterious and cryptic. I think these examples will really shine a light on that perfect balance:
You’ll note this guy’s poetic artistry and use of expressive phrasing like, “after you know what it was he a man,”
and “help create the bomb I need to play on people’s spirits.”
This guy – THIS GUY gets it.
He knows just how to craft his philosophical musings in such a way as to make women scratch their heads in that “I’m SO intrigued!” sort of way. Niiiice…
Here’s another in this vein:
He thinks women ‘or’ the best thing God ‘every’ made. See what he did there? Do you see the genius? He could have gone so many other orthodox (read: boring) routes. He COULD have just actually written about himself in the section designated for talking about yourself. He COULD have simply used traditional words like “are” and “ever,” but he really mixed it up by going “or” and “every.” He COULD have, under “Perfect Match,” said “someone who can give as much love as I give,” but no – he chose to go with the artsy “igove.” Brilliant.
4. Mug shots. Mug shots are ALL the rage this season. If you have an actual mug shot from a recent booking, that’s best, but if not, feel free to improvise and create the illusion of one. Posing with an angry face in front of fence posts or any corrugated backdrop/structure can drive home the criminal-chic look.
5. Show the ladies what you USED to look like in your glory days – you know, the 70’s – when you were peaking. Including photos from 40 years ago will not only show how much you’ve aged and wrinkled up (and who doesn’t love that), but it demonstrates a range of “looks.” These are two photos from the same profile, to make my point:
6. Get artsy. Photos of you in everyday life are so passe. Play with new and exciting backgrounds and effects.
You can also use photoshop or other manipulative software to superimpose your photo into optimal shots like this one:
7. Opt for zero punctuation. It’s just getting in the way of the art of your written word. Punctuation is so yesterday.
8. Change the perspective. Think outside the box here – why choose a regular right-side-up shot, when you can take it to the side? This forces the viewer to have to bend her neck uncomfortably to the side, giving her a horrible strained muscle, putting her RIGHT where you want her – at your mercy to step in like a sideways knight in shining armor and rub the crick out. Well-played, sideways man. Well-played.
9. Show the ladies what you’re capable of “bagging.” This works especially well if you’re old and leathery. Photos of you with a sexy 20-something model by your side really send a positive message about who you are and what you want. If you are lucky enough to get a shot in a parking lot with an 8-wheeler unloading its wares, …double score.
10. Use photos of random objects or scenes that have nothing to do with you or your lifestyle.
This is not my caption. This is how it was listed on this guy’s profile.
I guess it’s not every day that you see a parrot (macaw? I never know…) perched on a handicapped parking sign, so, I mean – this guy really had no choice BUT to post this. It was just the right thing to do.
Once again – not making this stuff up – this guy really did have this as one of his profile photos. But you know WHAT? That’s great. It let’s me know a few things: a. he has a foot fetish. Fair enough. b. He spells ‘probably’ the alternative way – such an independent thinker. THIS is the kind of innovation you need to make your profile stand out.
11. One last trick that should bring the women running…
Superimposing interesting text over your photos. Check it:
He’s got the front, folks. And now everyone knows it. VERY classy move.
He’s started the conversation FOR you! This guy is a real go-getter. Admirable.
Well – these aren’t ALL the tricks at your disposal, but it’s certainly enough to get you started on the right track.
Trust me – go fishing with these lures, and you’ll be reeling in the women in NO time. Would I lie?
I’ve heard it said that women have it ‘easier’ in the world of online dating – because all they have to do is post a remotely pretty photo and men will come flocking.
Studies show (and yes, I actually have documentation to back this up – I’m not “that girl” who just throws out the “studies show” or “they say” or “experts agree” unless I have sufficient back-up) that women get flirted with or messaged at an extremely higher rate than the other way around. Men send the messages while women just sit back and let the love roll in.
I agree that men have to do more “work” than women on the FRONT end. But I’m here to tell you what things look like on the other side. Yes, men have to be virtually gods to get some online attention. I have a guy friend who’s handsome, insanely witty, and whose profile is that perfect mix of clever/unique and also shows that he can be a warm, romantic partner..and he almost never gets messages or “winks”…it’s crazy. And then I sit down to my computer and have at LEAST 50 messages a day on any given site I’m on. Here are the numbers for today…just to give you a picture:
Sounds great (for me), right? Well…let’s not get cray cray…allow me to dig a little deeper.
You know when your fill-in-the-blank-female-family-member makes you a “beautiful” needle-point work of art – if you look at the backside, it’s all KINDS of a mess? That’s what it’s like to be a woman trudging through online dating sites. It might seem so easy – just put up a photo and wait for the masses to come knocking on your proverbial door, but oh-ho-ho…. let’s take a look at who it is who’s coming a-knocking.
There are a few archetypes of messages I receive from men. For easy math, let’s assume I receive 100 messages a day. It’s possible, but not a sure bet that ONE of those will be remotely interesting/complimentary/clever enough to spark my interest. The other 99 are one of the following:
1. Flat out boring. These are the ones that make you want to reclaim that 1/2 second you lost by clicking on the message to begin with. They say things like:
And that’s being kind – because I’ve spelled everything correctly and used punctuation appropriately…
And now I’m asleep.
2. Full of cheesy come-on lines.
What’s that you say? You want some examples? Well, you’ve come to the right place.
If I were to be present in heaven… as in…dead?
And – “common many angels?”… I mean… comMON man!
It appears I’m popular among the angelic crowd.
3. Don’t take the hint, resulting in flooding your inbox with multiple unwanted communications.
Dude…if I didn’t write you back 11 days ago, or 9 days ago, or anything between then and now…it’s time to walk away.
(and if you’re reading this thinking that it’s cruel to not write back to all of these guys, let he who hath not 100’s of inane messages cast the first critical online dating stone.)
4. Stupid. Stupidity comes in various forms. It ranges from the grammatical/spelling mistakes to the idiotic or non-sequitur thoughts that end up making me roll my eyes (at the very least), insulting me (see below), or cause me to shake my head in despair at humanity’s descent into moronitude (go with it).
I don’t even know what he MEANT to say. But – doesn’t matter. He had me at “ho.”
For the last time – I am only ONE woman. Do you know how emotionally taxing it is to take on the responsibilities of beautyful women everywhere?
Luckily between the last blog post and now, I found an app for my iPhone that translates stupid. So – what I THINK he means is:
“The basics in your profile nominally interest me enough to write this lazy and flawed message to ‘say hi’.”
You would imagine I have a personality? Yes. I have one. I should totes shoot you me number.
Proofread, honey. I’m a woman, last I checked.
So – while men may have to do a little more leg-work on the front end of the game, we women (well – the beautiful, charismatic and ridiculously witty ones like myself) have to sift through a LOT of trash in search of eventual treasure.
The sheer herculean task of dumpster diving through the well of vapidity should earn me SOMEthing…right?
Culling through these messages (and yes – I read every one. After all – once in a while you’ll find a gem. Right? (Say right.) And if I were to miss that ONE amazing guy because of the 99 other cholos blowin’ up my inbox – what a travesty THAT would be!) is practically like having another part-time job. Not only does it take up time, but it exhausts my mental faculties. I should really get paid for this. I’m providing a service, if you think about it. When guys don’t get messages back, I’m CERTAIN they take a good long look at their approach and reflect on why it didn’t work and learn from it – I’m basically an online dating philanthropist. I mean, I don’t want to be painted with a “hero” brush, but…
I’m KINDA a hero.
But I’m also a relational baller on a budget, so – anyone who wants to pony up and help a sista out… I’ll be opening a PayPal account for these and other sassy services I provide. There will be varying levels of sponsorship – you can subsidize my online dating sites’ subscription fees – think of it as a comedic investment. You’d be like my platinum-level gigolo. You throw down the cizzash, and I’ll bring in the laughs. And why stop there? Now that this is a full-on Business, not only memberships/subscriptions, but date costs become company write-offs. This could really work out for me. If my date pays, and I keep the receipts for a tax deduction, I’ll actually come out ahead. Financially, that is. Morally, it’s likely a step back.
But, I’m ok with that. All’s fair in love and laughter, right?
So – step up, lovers of love – and help better the world one unrequited message at a time. And remember what we’ve learned today – women don’t have it easier at all. I dare say our ‘job’ is the harder of the two. It’s a difficult life being an amazing woman. But someone’s gotta do it, so…I’ll man up.
(I’d like to thank my friend Sean for helping me come up with this
devious shady masterful plan.)
….Or I may NOT have…
My friend Kevin asked me this morning, “What ROCK are you looking under to FIND these people? I feel like if I were on the dating scene, I’d have a huge leg up, if only because I shave and bathe regularly!” Yeah…the bar is THAT low. So low that regular hygiene puts you on the map. Awesome.
Well – here’s another installment of what my friend Glenda calls, the “Winners Circle.” Sit back, relax, tell your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend that you love him/her (which you will even more after these), and enjoy.
Let’s start with something red hot and sizzling, shall we?
I don’t know what’s more awesome – the ambiguously celtic unreadable tattoo (what is that – Meccam? Mettam? I googled both of these words to see if they might be famous boxers or something…. nope.),
or the fact that this guy thought his greatest selling point was the backside of him where you can’t see his face at all?
Oh, …what? Obviously fake flames licking up all around him? I hadn’t even noticed.
Maybe shooting all those blanks is what’s causing him to to self-imploid? Sounds dangerous… but I’m still so darn TEMPTED… after all, he IS prity good lookin’….
There is a serious “dark knight” moment happening here. What’s not to love about this shot? Let’s review. First, he didn’t take this himself – not unless he set up a tripod (now, THAT would be commitment to caped crusader awesomeness). No, some friend agreed to snap a shot of him opening up his shirt for all the world to see his amazing abs and super cool man necklace….oh and his wire hangers, empty Coke bottle and bad lighting.
He’s not just down to earth. Oh, no… He is downTOWN to earth, baby!
“You know what would really make the ladies go crazy? Me…RIIIiiiight before a shave.”
Is this to prove that he does, in fact, shave? Or is he trying to appeal to some kind of Santa Claus fantasy? What in the world would possess someone to apply shaving cream, and then snap a photo, and then – to use that as your main profile picture?? This one has me truly baffled.
This next one is a series of Match.com ’emails’ between me and a guy who couldn’t take the hint…
Read the room, buddy. Read the room.
This is the same guy – both from one profile. I feel so bad for this guy because he apparently has some sort of medical condition where his fingers are unfortunately ATTACHED to his lips! What kind of life is that, I ask you? I feel a charity 5K coming on…
Where? Jeans? (turns head in a dramatic panic back and forth looking) – Where??
He doesn’t want to have games played. Anywhere. In the world. That’s kinda selfish, dude…
But the best part is – he WANTS a great conversion! This is perfect. Because I’ve been boning up on my conversion skills (you know…all the handsome men out there who don’t love Jesus (yet…)… I can just convert them! That should be simple, right?). This guy can be my first attempt. (fingertips resting together….maniacally laughing…). Let the proselytizing begin.
Whoa….dude….TOTALLY gnarly bro….
Perhaps the shining moment in this photographic “experience” (read: Stoner extravaganza ..a la 2001 A Space Odyssey) is the fact that there was SO much thought put into the photo, and yet…. and yet. He couldn’t put down his beer and what appears to be an old shoelace…? Maybe he got stoned BEFORE the shot?
Here’s what I take from this one: He wants ME to be a superhero (single mom by day, sexy fighter of crime by the veil of night), and he may not want to steal my respect, but I can be sure he wants to either steal my essence like a vampire, or at least steal my drink when I go to use the airplane restroom.
His NAME is “Mr. Charisma” (albeit misspelled)…now look at the picture. Really?
Wow… THANK YOU, Mr. 56 in Illinois, who believes in God AND Jesus. I really needed that…
Nothing like damning with faint praise to make a girl feel pretty.
There are so many more, but life calls… so here you are for now.