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I May Have Found “The One…”

….Or I may NOT have…

My friend Kevin asked me this morning, “What ROCK are you looking under to FIND these people?  I feel like if I were on the dating scene, I’d have a huge leg up, if only because I shave and bathe regularly!”  Yeah…the bar is THAT low.  So low that regular hygiene puts you on the map.  Awesome.

Well – here’s another installment of what my friend Glenda calls, the “Winners Circle.”  Sit back, relax, tell your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend that you love him/her (which you will even more after these), and enjoy.

Let’s start with something red hot and sizzling, shall we?

I don’t know what’s more awesome – the ambiguously celtic unreadable tattoo (what is that – Meccam? Mettam?  I googled both of these words to see if they might be famous boxers or something…. nope.),
or the fact that this guy thought his greatest selling point was the backside of him where you can’t see his face at all?

Oh, …what?  Obviously fake flames licking up all around him?  I hadn’t even noticed.

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Maybe shooting all those blanks is what’s causing him to to self-imploid?  Sounds dangerous…  but I’m still so darn TEMPTED… after all, he IS prity good lookin’….

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There is a serious “dark knight” moment happening here.  What’s not to love about this shot?  Let’s review.  First, he didn’t take this himself – not unless he set up a tripod (now, THAT would be commitment to caped crusader awesomeness).  No, some friend agreed to snap a shot of him opening up his shirt for all the world to see his amazing abs and super cool man necklace….oh and his wire hangers, empty Coke bottle and bad lighting.

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He’s not just down to earth.  Oh, no…  He is downTOWN to earth, baby!

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“You know what would really make the ladies go crazy?  Me…RIIIiiiight before a shave.”
Is this to prove that he does, in fact, shave?  Or is he trying to appeal to some kind of Santa Claus fantasy?  What in the world would possess someone to apply shaving cream, and then snap a photo, and then – to use that as your main profile picture??  This one has me truly baffled.

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This next one is a series of Match.com ’emails’ between me and a guy who couldn’t take the hint…

Read the room, buddy.  Read the room.

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This is the same guy – both from one profile.  I feel so bad for this guy because he apparently has some sort of medical condition where his fingers are unfortunately ATTACHED to his lips!  What kind of life is that, I ask you?  I feel a charity 5K coming on…
Poor Papi…

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Where?  Jeans?  (turns head in a dramatic panic back and forth looking) – Where??

He doesn’t want to have games played.  Anywhere.  In the world.  That’s kinda selfish, dude…

But the best part is – he WANTS a great conversion!  This is perfect.  Because I’ve been boning up on my conversion skills (you know…all the handsome men out there who don’t love Jesus (yet…)… I can just convert them!  That should be simple, right?).  This guy can be my first attempt.  (fingertips resting together….maniacally laughing…).  Let the proselytizing begin.

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Whoa….dude….TOTALLY gnarly bro….

Perhaps the shining moment in this photographic “experience” (read: Stoner extravaganza ..a la 2001 A Space Odyssey) is the fact that there was SO much thought put into the photo, and yet…. and yet.  He couldn’t put down his beer and what appears to be an old shoelace…?  Maybe he got stoned BEFORE the shot?

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Here’s what I take from this one:   He wants ME to be a superhero (single mom by day, sexy fighter of crime by the veil of night), and he may not want to steal my respect, but I can be sure he wants to either steal my essence like a vampire, or at least steal my drink when I go to use the airplane restroom.

Creepy…..!?

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His NAME is “Mr. Charisma” (albeit misspelled)…now look at the picture.  Really?

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Wow… THANK YOU, Mr. 56 in Illinois, who believes in God AND Jesus.  I really needed that…
Nothing like damning with faint praise to make a girl feel pretty.

There are so many more, but life calls… so here you are for now.

8 Responses

  1. That’s hilarious….But give the flame licking graphics and swirly background guys some credit. At the very least they know how to use a computer right? That’s a valuable life skill nowadays. Also I wonder if people who post profile pics where a passerby gets snapped in the background ever get their permission to be used as an extra. Did Mr. Charisma get the fellow in the red shirt to sign a waiver? I highly doubt it…….

    July 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    • Ha! Excellent point! Kinda makes me wanna photo bomb everywhere I go just to see if I show up in profile pics!

      (p.s. tried e-mailing you…bounced back… just so you don’t think I was being cold).

      July 17, 2012 at 5:45 pm

      • Oh no really? hmmm…..And I replied to you on Zoosk too. lol. Glad to know you weren’t just avoiding me. Oh, and the ice cream at the mall while I “people-watched” by myself was delicious…..

        I’ll probably get a ton of spam for this when the web robots get hold of it but here goes…..manshack@gmail.com It’s valid I promise!

        July 19, 2012 at 1:31 am

  2. A friend sent me your blog and ohmygosh! I’m dying laughing over here.

    I once started an email to my best friend attached with “matches” of mine. I was doing it to show her how the website aids in finding me laughter rather than dates. What on earth did I say that gets me matched with these guys?! I decided the email was pathetic and sad and never sent it.

    The dating thing is SOOO hard these days. Church dating is difficult and complicated. So finding the church guy who isn’t at your church is close to impossible! Best of luck on your journey. (I’m still on mine!)

    July 17, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    • Thanks for the feedback, Jennifer! I’m glad my epic failure is entertaining you.
      😉

      Yeah… finding the humor in all this is a great outlet for what would otherwise be a sigh of resignation…. (let’s sigh together, shall we?…. sigh….. that felt right, I’m not gonna lie).

      Keep reading!

      July 17, 2012 at 5:43 pm

  3. The shaving photo is disturbing to me. So either he is vain enough to think that this is his best (au natural) look, or an ex-girlfriend took this. Either way, it doesn’t speak well. But the Space Odyssey guy is also quite baffling. Are we not clearly going to realize its a cut and pasted look which really only leaves us with one burning question….Why the shoelace?? It reminds me of a former roomie of my (who by the way was a head case) and in preparation for her first day with a guy shaved her eyebrows off. When she came out of the bathroom and asked me how she looked, it took me a sec to process what I was seeing. At first I was just like, “something is SO wrong.” Then it hit me. She looked like a character from Star Trek with a super long forehead. When I asked her why she had shaved off her eyebrows she told me that she had messed up plucking them and thought that shaving them off would at least make them even.In my best attempt at understatement (and not bursting out laughing) I told her it might be best to apply some eyebrows with a liner. She was like “Why?” Won’t it draw more attention to my eyebrows being gone. I was like nope, you don’t want to be the girl that the only thing he thinks about all night is–what happened to her eyebrows?! Just like this guy and the shoelace. So sad….

    July 19, 2012 at 7:28 am

    • No… I think – hands down – eyebrowlessness wins the crazy contest. That junk is just freaky. If I’d been the guy, I woulda bailed. (Of course, I would’ve had the decency to use one of my handy forms…. I’m not an animal.)

      July 19, 2012 at 9:51 pm

  4. BTW–the dark knight guy does have good abs. Doesn’t he realize though that the angle and pose bring “flasher” to mind much more than hmmm…great abs!!

    July 19, 2012 at 7:29 am

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