I May Have Found “The One…”
….Or I may NOT have…
My friend Kevin asked me this morning, “What ROCK are you looking under to FIND these people? I feel like if I were on the dating scene, I’d have a huge leg up, if only because I shave and bathe regularly!” Yeah…the bar is THAT low. So low that regular hygiene puts you on the map. Awesome.
Well – here’s another installment of what my friend Glenda calls, the “Winners Circle.” Sit back, relax, tell your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend that you love him/her (which you will even more after these), and enjoy.
Let’s start with something red hot and sizzling, shall we?
I don’t know what’s more awesome – the ambiguously celtic unreadable tattoo (what is that – Meccam? Mettam? I googled both of these words to see if they might be famous boxers or something…. nope.),
or the fact that this guy thought his greatest selling point was the backside of him where you can’t see his face at all?
Oh, …what? Obviously fake flames licking up all around him? I hadn’t even noticed.
Maybe shooting all those blanks is what’s causing him to to self-imploid? Sounds dangerous… but I’m still so darn TEMPTED… after all, he IS prity good lookin’….
There is a serious “dark knight” moment happening here. What’s not to love about this shot? Let’s review. First, he didn’t take this himself – not unless he set up a tripod (now, THAT would be commitment to caped crusader awesomeness). No, some friend agreed to snap a shot of him opening up his shirt for all the world to see his amazing abs and super cool man necklace….oh and his wire hangers, empty Coke bottle and bad lighting.
He’s not just down to earth. Oh, no… He is downTOWN to earth, baby!
“You know what would really make the ladies go crazy? Me…RIIIiiiight before a shave.”
Is this to prove that he does, in fact, shave? Or is he trying to appeal to some kind of Santa Claus fantasy? What in the world would possess someone to apply shaving cream, and then snap a photo, and then – to use that as your main profile picture?? This one has me truly baffled.
This next one is a series of Match.com ’emails’ between me and a guy who couldn’t take the hint…
Read the room, buddy. Read the room.
This is the same guy – both from one profile. I feel so bad for this guy because he apparently has some sort of medical condition where his fingers are unfortunately ATTACHED to his lips! What kind of life is that, I ask you? I feel a charity 5K coming on…
Where? Jeans? (turns head in a dramatic panic back and forth looking) – Where??
He doesn’t want to have games played. Anywhere. In the world. That’s kinda selfish, dude…
But the best part is – he WANTS a great conversion! This is perfect. Because I’ve been boning up on my conversion skills (you know…all the handsome men out there who don’t love Jesus (yet…)… I can just convert them! That should be simple, right?). This guy can be my first attempt. (fingertips resting together….maniacally laughing…). Let the proselytizing begin.
Whoa….dude….TOTALLY gnarly bro….
Perhaps the shining moment in this photographic “experience” (read: Stoner extravaganza ..a la 2001 A Space Odyssey) is the fact that there was SO much thought put into the photo, and yet…. and yet. He couldn’t put down his beer and what appears to be an old shoelace…? Maybe he got stoned BEFORE the shot?
Here’s what I take from this one: He wants ME to be a superhero (single mom by day, sexy fighter of crime by the veil of night), and he may not want to steal my respect, but I can be sure he wants to either steal my essence like a vampire, or at least steal my drink when I go to use the airplane restroom.
His NAME is “Mr. Charisma” (albeit misspelled)…now look at the picture. Really?
Wow… THANK YOU, Mr. 56 in Illinois, who believes in God AND Jesus. I really needed that…
Nothing like damning with faint praise to make a girl feel pretty.
There are so many more, but life calls… so here you are for now.