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I’ll Send an SOS to the World

I’ve heard it said that women have it ‘easier’ in the world of online dating – because all they have to do is post a remotely pretty photo and men will come flocking.

Studies show (and yes, I actually have documentation to back this up – I’m not “that girl” who just throws out the “studies show” or “they say” or “experts agree” unless I have sufficient back-up) that women get flirted with or messaged at an extremely higher rate than the other way around.  Men send the messages while women just sit back and let the love roll in.

Well……… sorta.

I agree that men have to do more “work” than women on the FRONT end.  But I’m here to tell you what things look like on the other side.  Yes, men have to be virtually gods to get some online attention.  I have a guy friend who’s handsome, insanely witty, and whose profile is that perfect mix of clever/unique and also shows that he can be a warm, romantic partner..and he almost never gets messages or “winks”…it’s crazy.  And then I sit down to my computer and have at LEAST 50 messages a day on any given site I’m on.  Here are the numbers for today…just to give you a picture:

Sounds great (for me), right?  Well…let’s not get cray cray…allow me to dig a little deeper.

You know when your fill-in-the-blank-female-family-member makes you a “beautiful” needle-point work of art – if you look at the backside, it’s all KINDS of a mess?  That’s what it’s like to be a woman trudging through online dating sites.  It might seem so easy – just put up a photo and wait for the masses to come knocking on your proverbial door, but oh-ho-ho…. let’s take a look at who it is who’s coming a-knocking.

There are a few archetypes of messages I receive from men.  For easy math, let’s assume I receive 100 messages a day.  It’s possible, but not a sure bet that ONE of those will be remotely interesting/complimentary/clever enough to spark my interest.  The other 99 are one of the following:

1.  Flat out boring.  These are the ones that make you want to reclaim that 1/2 second you lost by clicking on the message to begin with.  They say things like:

“Hello.”
“Hey girl.”
“Hi cutie.”
“What’s up”
“Sup””

And that’s being kind – because I’ve spelled everything correctly and used punctuation appropriately…

And now I’m asleep.

2.  Full of cheesy come-on lines.
What’s that you say?  You want some examples?  Well, you’ve come to the right place.

If I were to be present in heaven… as in…dead?
And – “common many angels?”… I mean… comMON man!

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It appears I’m popular among the angelic crowd.

3.  Don’t take the hint, resulting in flooding your inbox with multiple unwanted communications.

Dude…if I didn’t write you back 11 days ago, or 9 days ago, or anything between then and now…it’s time to walk away.

(and if you’re reading this thinking that it’s cruel to not write back to all of these guys, let he who hath not 100’s of inane messages cast the first critical online dating stone.)

4.  Stupid.  Stupidity comes in various forms.  It ranges from the grammatical/spelling mistakes to the idiotic or non-sequitur thoughts that end up making me roll my eyes (at the very least), insulting me (see below), or cause me to shake my head in despair at humanity’s descent into moronitude (go with it).

I don’t even know what he MEANT to say.  But – doesn’t matter.  He had me at “ho.”

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For the last time – I am only ONE woman.  Do you know how emotionally taxing it is to take on the responsibilities of beautyful women everywhere?

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Luckily between the last blog post and now, I found an app for my iPhone that translates stupid.  So – what I THINK he means is:

“The basics in your profile nominally interest me enough to write this lazy and flawed message to ‘say hi’.”

Swoon…

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You would imagine I have a personality?  Yes.  I have one.  I should totes shoot you me number.

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Proofread, honey.  I’m a woman, last I checked.

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So – while men may have to do a little more leg-work on the front end of the game, we women (well – the beautiful, charismatic and ridiculously witty ones like myself) have to sift through a LOT of trash in search of eventual treasure.

The sheer herculean task of dumpster diving through the well of vapidity should earn me SOMEthing…right?

Culling through these messages (and yes – I read every one.  After all – once in a while you’ll find a gem.  Right?  (Say right.)  And if I were to miss that ONE amazing guy because of the 99 other cholos blowin’ up my inbox – what a travesty THAT would be!) is practically like having another part-time job.  Not only does it take up time, but it exhausts my mental faculties.  I should really get paid for this.  I’m providing a service, if you think about it.  When guys don’t get messages back, I’m CERTAIN they take a good long look at their approach and reflect on why it didn’t work and learn from it – I’m basically an online dating philanthropist.  I mean, I don’t want to be painted with a “hero” brush, but…
I’m KINDA a hero.

But I’m also a relational baller on a budget, so – anyone who wants to pony up and help a sista out… I’ll be opening a PayPal account for these and other sassy services I provide.  There will be varying levels of sponsorship – you can subsidize my online dating sites’ subscription fees – think of it as a comedic investment.  You’d be like my platinum-level gigolo.  You throw down the cizzash, and I’ll bring in the laughs.  And why stop there?  Now that this is a full-on Business, not only memberships/subscriptions, but date costs become company write-offs.  This could really work out for me.  If my date pays, and I keep the receipts for a tax deduction, I’ll actually come out ahead.  Financially, that is.  Morally, it’s likely a step back.
But, I’m ok with that.  All’s fair in love and laughter, right?

So – step up, lovers of love – and help better the world one unrequited message at a time.  And remember what we’ve learned today – women don’t have it easier at all.  I dare say our ‘job’ is the harder of the two.   It’s a difficult life being an amazing woman.  But someone’s gotta do it, so…I’ll man up.

(I’d like to thank my friend Sean for helping me come up with this devious shady masterful plan.)

6 Responses

  1. Mary Wiens

    My favorite line of this post: The sheer herculean task of dumpster diving through the well of vapidity should earn me SOMEthing…right? Great writing!

    August 4, 2012 at 1:18 pm

  2. Dale

    Crazy stuff!

    August 4, 2012 at 2:19 pm

  3. Jeremy

    I contend that, the guys sincerely interested in finding a significant other are burdened not only by the vapid meat trolls you’ve aptly revealed, but the impassive and cynical (not you specifically 🙂 ) women they create. Because of this, when initiating contact, I prefer writing a simple hello. Based on the numbers alone, if I tried to write something unique and meaningful each time, much of the effort would be wasted on women who may not even give me consideration beyond a glimpse of my pic before hitting the delete button.

    August 5, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    • Hmm… interesting take. I guess you’re right – this is a sad result of things NOT working the way they should. Because – normally if I get just a “hi,” I don’t necessarily dig further…
      Man! This is a good other perpective for me, though.

      August 6, 2012 at 8:32 pm

      • Jeremy

        Wow, considering the source of this validation, I feel especial…:-)

        August 6, 2012 at 10:20 pm

        • And wouldn’t it be extra impressive, now, after knowing what women have to trudge through on our end, if you received a first communication from a woman – which was MORE than just a “hi?” A woman like THAT…well, she’s hard to find… wouldn’t you say so? Ahem…

          August 7, 2012 at 4:53 pm

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