Its Called a Contraction… (yes…Im going for irony)

I’d like to propose that online dating sites provide a few more “demographics” on the profiles.  I definitely want to know the usual stats:  Height, Weight, smoker?, Faith, etc. but – how’s about adding a basic intelligence quotient?  It wouldn’t take much, really…. A simple online test with a score between 1 and 10 that’s posted on your profile.  If I were designing this test, here’s what it would include:

1.  Can you properly assess the need for, and execute an apostrophe appropriately?  It’s one thing to make the occasional typo, but when you go the entire length of your (most-likey tedious and self-involved) bio without correctly using a contraction, I’m throwing up in my mouth just a little.

Here’s an unfortunate and all-too-common example of what’s out there:

Im new to Houston and Id like to meet a nice girl whos well-adjusted.  Its hard to find love out there, …Ive had a   few bad relationships, but Im still hopeful that theres someone out there for me.

Wow… just.. wow.

2.  Do you know the difference between your and you’re?  What about their, there and they’re?
If so… my number is 832-605-…… ok, ok…

3.  I’m going to tell you three jokes and measure the time it takes from the end of the punchline until you begin laughing.  Every second of delay takes away from your total score.  Ready?  Ok… “Three nuns walk into a bar….”   (you get my gist).

4.  Which of these is correct?

                   A.  You’ve had a lot of wine.  B.  You’re alot stupid.

Yeah…..’alot’ is not a word.  If you need help with this concept, I refer you to this helpful guide:


5.  Do you use phrases like (but not limited to):

“I could care less”;  “For all intensive purposes”;  “Probaly”;   “He’s drownding”;  “You should call my ‘real-a-ter’”

6.  Use of articles.  Of clothing, yes, but…more importantly, the grammar kind.

Unfortunate example:  “I’m manager of large corporation.”  Really?  You are?  Hard to swallow when you can’t even describe it properly…

p.s. If you don’t know what I mean when I say ‘articles,’ it’s time to wiki…

7.  Do you know what that red squiggly line means in Word?  Honey, for every one of those you let slip into your profile, that’s 5 potential dates you can kiss goodbye.

8.  Count the money in this picture…. (bahahahaha…. I’m kidding…. Sort of.  Ok, not really at all.  Let’s just get a baseline, shall we?)

9.  Do you know your cardinal directions?  If you think that has something to do with birds…just skip this question, …the ship has sailed.   But man…this is a pet peeve of mine.  If I call you to clarify where we’re meeting for drinks and I ask you if it’s “south of Washington St.,” and you say, “well, where are you coming from?” (neverMIND the preposition at the end of the phrase…I am a reasonable woman, I can look beyond that), you can be sure I’m rolling my eyes in judgmental resignation.  It doesn’t MATTER where I’m coming from.  It’s either north or south of that street.  That’s how this all works.  Points deducted if you don’t know N, S, E, W.

10.  Do you still use the phrase, “Booyah!”  ??  Unless you’re going for that hipster ironic vibe, then this deducts major points.

Once we get that number at the top of each profile, it will REALLY cut down my search time.  In moments of optimism I’ll go for 9’s and 10’s…and on particularly lonely weekends, I may settle for 6’s and up…

7 Responses

  1. Mike and Laura Icardi

    Hahaha… you’re alot stupid. I’m going to start using that.

    June 4, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    • You really should. Verbally. Publicly. I feel like it’ll be really warmly received. People will appreciate your authenticity and candor. Keep me posted.

      June 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

  2. you forgot supposably…#we’reperfectforeachotherminusoneglaringfact

    June 4, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    • Oh my GOSH …you’re right! I totally forgot “supposably”…. I’m ashamed now.

      June 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm

  3. Lisa carbaugh

    #9…peeing my pants. Seriously.

    June 12, 2012 at 3:42 am

  4. Jeremy

    Prepositions and the “rule” of usage has an interesting story, and it may temper your disdain. John Dryden wrote an essay in 1672 criticizing novices like Shakespeare and Ben Johnson for using them because, in the 17th century, the preference was for English to follow the rules of Latin. This criticism was passed down as law. I know what your thinking…it sounds logical and therefore should stand, but I pose this…people are influenced everyday. What says those who took Dryden’s opinion as law weren’t gullible, ignorant, blindly adoring fans, or being blackmailed? 🙂 Have we been wrongly conditioned to this rule, like so many others? IMHO, sometimes sentences constructed by the rule sound odd, but then I may be revealing my limitations. Food for thought…

    July 1, 2012 at 5:01 am

    • I do recognize that the ‘rules’ of grammar are dynamic and (to some degree) at the whim of culture and usage. For instance, though it bugs the heck out of me, I have to accept (begrudgingly, albeit) that we can now properly use pronouns that don’t match the subject (e.g. Everyone bring their pencils to class. (shudder…)) because it was so commonly done that the powers that be (are there really grammar police somewhere out there in the universe? hmm…) deemed it acceptable.
      But, let me be clear… knowing all of that will never “temper my disdain.” Because my reaction isn’t to the commonly used (read: misused) phrases or colloquialisms… it’s the outright INCORRECT or (most usually the case) LAZY writing that is splattered all over the online sites. And it’s that laziness that makes me squirm. By way of example, you have a typo in your comment – “I know what your thinking…” (should be “you’re”) – but I read the entirety of your thought and I can tell you’re an intelligent and thoughtful guy, so I chalk that up to a simple mistake (which…hello – we ALL make). I have room for typos in my schema… but no tolerance for stupidity or laziness… I guess that sounds harsh, but… I’m at a place in my life where I just know that won’t work for me.
      Thanks for your thoughts! It’s nice to hear from an obviously smart guy….guess there are still a few out there? (insert glimmer of hope here). 🙂

      July 1, 2012 at 4:36 pm

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