tagline

I’ve got a message for ya…

It’s been a while since we’ve discussed the etiquette of online dating messaging… so I thought I’d circle back the wagons of wisdom, and offer up a few reminders to keep your love life moving along swimmingly.

 

1.  The overkill approach.

If you
‘Favorite’ someone,
AND ‘like’ several of their photographs,
AND ‘wink’ at them,
AND message them multiple times… they will wake up to something like this:

multiple messages

This is what we, in the biz, call “overwhelming.”  Don’t flood the inbox, guys.  It looks desperate.  It’s the online equivalent of coming up to us at the bar and giving us ALL of your “best” pick-up lines, one right after another, in a seemingly endless chain of pitiful.

Do not do this.

If you’re interested in someone you see online, simply write a message.  Don’t wink, don’t ‘flirt,’ don’t ‘like’ his/her photo – just write a sweet, thoughtful note that shows you actually read his/her profile first.


2.  Infidelity Proposals.

 

marriedWhat would it TAKE?

It would take a full lobotomy on my part.

Oh, and a complete disregard for all that is good and decent in this world.

Gross, dude…


What’s that you say?  That must be an isolated event?  Oh no, mon frère… oh no.

oversexed

Online dating, despite its perks and benefits, is also riddled with jerkface guys looking to get a little suhmn-suhmn on the side.  Like THIS charming fellow.

 

 

What are you SAYING, “Lotsa3nergy1,”… that not only are you fully intent on cheating on your wife, but ALSO that I can find you looming about in strip clubs?

DOUBLE WIN!


raise my kids3.  Instant step-dad.

I was wondering how I was going to make it as a mom, but then this guy stepped in to save the day.  Whew…

Not only is he going to help me raise my kids (that he’s never met.  In fact…he’s never met me.  In FAAAact…he’s never even heard BACK from me)… but we get to have another one together!

Yay pregnancy!

(Did I mention this guy is 62?  yup. All my dreams are coming true.)


4.  Advisors.

Don’t write to someone only to insult them or offer up unsolicited advice.

If you think my profile is too long… then don’t read it!

advice


hi5. La

(That was supposed to read:  “lazy,” but…who has the time?

Ah, the one word message.  It’s the textual equivalent of the selfie with a urinal in the background… no one likes ’em and yet, they’re everywhere.

So, you read my profile (looked at my photos), decided you thought we have the potential to have a meaningful relationship (thought there was a chance of gettin’ lucky), and concluded the best way to get my attention and interest was to type TWO letters (the best you could do) ?

A generic message is bad.
A generic and lazy one is even worse.
Heck… “Hello!” at least has 6 characters… sheesh.

Men – as in life and love – a woman wants you to put some TIME and THOUGHT into her.
I’m betting very few amazing love stories started with the man typing ‘hi’ and clicking ‘send.’


poem6.  Stories, Excerpts and Poems.

If it’s the FIRST message… maybe don’t begin with a melodramatic journey into your tortured soul.

Unless it’s one artist writing to another artist, this comes off cocky and annoying.  And honestly, I’m usually looking at it with my proverbial red pen.

What’s a shahirya?

smh…


tonight7.  Instant sexuagratification guy

He’s everywhere.  And there’s nothing sexier than a guy writing you in the wee hours, because he’s SO desperate for ‘attention’ that he’s aiming for the bottom branches – the low-hanging fruit of women he’s never even met or communicated with.

These messages are all about playing the numbers game – send enough out and SOMEone’s bound to bite.

…but not this fish.

Here are a few…lest you think I’m exaggerating.

Yes, my grammar mistake was on purpose.  Though I doubt he got the irony...

Yes, my grammar mistake was on purpose. Though I doubt he got the irony…

late night tutormake out buddy

misspelled hello

This guy seems nice… I’m sure he just misspelled “hello”

 


Well, we could be here all day going through the vast and charmless messages I’ve received, but I think I’ve made my point.

At the end of the day, here’s all it really takes:

– Be nice.

– Make it obvious that you read the person’s profile (reference something from it…OTHER than the photos).

– Ask a question – this is your hook to get a response.  Plus, it shows interest in the other person.

– Steer clear of future relationship talk, sexual language or marriage proposals.

That oughtta do it, killer.

6 Responses

  1. Sabrina

    you are hysterical! love it lady 🙂

    November 6, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    • smstone

      Why THANK YOU!

      November 6, 2013 at 4:02 pm

  2. So true. Now, how do I get all these guys on Match and OkCupid to read it?

    November 6, 2013 at 4:59 pm

  3. Alex

    This is mind-boggling. Do you think these dudes are being serious or playing a stupid joke? I’m far from a smooth dude, but these are staggeringly creepy anecdotes.

    November 6, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    • smstone

      Ask your girlfriends…they’ll attest to it. Even if as many as 50% of them were joking (which I don’t think they are) – there are still a staggering number of ’em. So…either way we can be appropriately ashamed of our world.

      November 6, 2013 at 8:29 pm

      • Alex

        Amazing. On behalf of Dudedom, sorry about all this. I guess we can be really bizarre.

        November 7, 2013 at 5:17 pm

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *