Yesterday I overheard two girls talking in line at a cafe, and one said, in a cavalier tone, “I mean… JUST because I’m engaged, doesn’t mean I HAVE to marry him!”
I posted this on Facebook and got quite the response from men and women – which inspired this post.
It occurs to me that this attitude of committing to something without really committing to it – is becoming a dating/relationship epidemic. People are saying yes to anything from a second date to marriage proposals – out of fear that maybe there won’t be anything better… so they hedge their bets by holding on to something that isn’t perfect for them.
It’s like when you’re shopping at Ross and you buy up any dress you think MIGHT actually look nice on you in the flattering light of your own home… knowing full-well you’ll likely return some or all of them in the coming week. So, why buy them at all? You buy them so that you can have the OPTION of owning them, and so that no other woman can scoop them up.
And I do this too – you try it on and you don’t LOVE it, but you think you might GROW to love it, with the right level of Spanx scaffolding and distracting accessories…you could make it work?… so, you don’t want to give up the possibility of ownership… even though your gut tells you it’s way too hoochie-mama, or see-through, or tight or unflattering in some way. You hold on to less-than-perfect
Are we doing this in the dating world? Holding onto a girlfriend or boyfriend longer than we ought to… just because they’re the ‘best so far?’ Do we keep our claim on someone so that no one else can have him/her even if we know deep down that s/he’s not the one? Or do we think if we put the right proverbial spanx on our guy/girl that they might turn INTO the one we really want? We’ll just keep accessorizing around the problem – that we’re NOT a good fit?
This is terrible!
And it’s also why I’m a fan of the quick elimination system.
I contend – and stick with me for a minute – that dating should be greedy… in order to NOT be greedy. Hold on, before you check out… check this out:
I was having lunch with someone the other day who was hesitant to get back into dating because she doesn’t have time to go on multiple dates with people who she doesn’t like…. WHAT? I asked her WHY she would go on any more than one short date with someone if he wasn’t showing potential for being ‘the one?’ She responded with this popular sentiment that there’s some sort of expectation to go on several dates with people because it’s …good manners? Pbshhh…. Nuh uh! I call poppycock.
I say you only spend your time hanging out with someone who you WANT to be spending your time with. Be greedy. Don’t accept second dates out of obligation or some kind of weird cultural expectation. In this way, it’s OK to be selfish. When being picky is being greedy – I say being greedy is ok.
It’s OK to want the whole package. (Not perfection… there’s a big difference between realistic expectations and fantasies…that’s probably enough fuel for a whole other post, but for now – know that when I say the “whole package” – I mean someone that meets the parameters you’ve set in your mind/heart for who is a great match for YOU).
It’s OK to be picky and wait for it.
Be greedy on the front end, so that you don’t end up greedily holding onto something that isn’t meant to be yours. Be greedy, to not be greedy. See what I mean?
And in the meantime, it’s OK to let the men or women around you grab up the dresses that made you look fat while you wait for the one that fits you like a glove.
I can only hope that my perfect dress (I imagine it’s ruched for maximizing my curves, while having a big, passionate heart) is out there on some rack, waiting for me to try it on… and not being held hostage in some other woman’s closet while she holds onto something that isn’t right for her, out of fear that there won’t be something better.