Line ‘Em Up & Keep ‘Em Comin’…

Before we get to another winner’s circle ‘episode,’ I’d just like to say THANK YOU to my readers for spreading the word and helping me get my blog out there!

As of this morning, it’s being read in 22 countries…unbelievable!  (And what’s up with my Canada contingent?  You guys are wicked awesome, ehh!)   And yes… even though my logical mind tells me that at least half of these are accidental clicks by people who don’t even read English and they probably curse my name and call me some kind of American slur before zooming off to another more interesting website, I choose to let the fantasy part of my brain imagine that there really are people in Malawi who actually care about the dating life of this single mama… what can I say.  I dream big.

Alright.  Now that we’ve got my falsely-inflated ego up and running,
let’s dash all hope back to the ground with another disturbing group of online options.

Roll tape.

Submitted by my friend, Jen

I felt like we should hit the ground running – and what does that better than elf ears?
The girl who sent me this photo actually said, “I’m now adding ‘elf ears’ to my list of dealbreakers.”  Hahaha!  How often are you gonna hear THAT phrase?
But, I don’t know, Jen…the delicate filigreed headpiece and long flowing locks are SO masculine – you sure you won’t give him a chance?  Your lego-loss.  (yes…yes I did).


Did this guy just ask me to pick him up…from the hospital?  Yes.  That happened.
Now, for those of you thinking…”maybe he’s a Doctor!?”…read on.  Definitely no doctor.  At least none I’d want operating on me…
Besides…if you were a doctor, and let’s say you needed the ride because you rode your bike to work to save the environment (trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here), don’t you think you’d MENTION that?
So, with the limited information I had…all I could do was picture me fleeing the scene with an escaped mental ward patient.


Is there a store in Houston that exclusively sells see-through zebra-striped shirts, wife beaters and jeans with the “whispered” distressed look?  This is like this guy’s uniform.  In the written part of his profile he said he had “great style.”  These MUST be the “before” photos.


Well, I take disappointment with 2% milk, so…

What is a “total energy system?”
It sounds like something he’s selling.  Like a complete home gym.  No, wait…that’s a total body system.
Maybe he’s an electricity broker?  Then again…..uh-NO.


Submitted by my friend, Jennifer

And every day, you must be alone.  Very alone.

I can’t think of a worse possible way to make yourself attractive to women, than by holding a video game controller and superimposing cheesy text atop the photo that lets us know you have no intention of growing up.  If I want a boy, trapped in a one-too-many-trays-of-bagel-bites man’s body… I know right where to find him.  Thanks.


How many families does this guy plan to have?  It’s starting to sound a little “Yearning for Zion.”


“Look, Nagini, I got you a special snack… he’s a little nervous, but just talk sweetly to him.
‘So-o-o-oft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur’…”

And, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t address the photo in its entirety –
– unhealthy long man hair – check
– beret with a Warner Bros. character embroidered on it – check
– strange assortment of what I can only assume are bomb-making ingredients on the counter behind him – check
– nutcracker that you KNOW he keeps up year-round – check
– pre-staged cultic animal sacrifice setup – check
It’s everything you want in an online photo.


I looked up “creepy” in the dictionary and this was the illustration.
Apparently if you use a sexually charged handle along with a child’s photo, and then for the picture you insert in your message to me, you use what I can only assume is gay porn – that’s a surefire way to win this heterosexual mother’s heart.
I have to go take a shower now.


Usually the phrase, “Wow, where to begin!” is an entry into more discussion.  Nope.  Not for this guy.  That IS his story.
I guess it’s good, though…it gives me a lot to think about while I’m being stared at on our first date.  I mean,…..ideally.


Reasons why you’d post this for your profile photo:
– you want to let me know right off the bat that you can’t drive, so I’m going to have to pick you up (hey!  Maybe THIS is hospital guy!??)
– you think the black cast and dead toenail gives off a cool goth vibe.
– you think a broken bone shows vulnerability and a ‘sensitive side’ – CERTAINLY not your own probable stupidity or klutziness.
– this IS the most attractive angle/part of your body…hmmm…


I feel sorry for his little girl, if she ever sees this.  Even the car got all caps…


Ladies, THIS is what you could wake up to every morning.  Jesus on the cross and black duck lips.  Yum.

(Obligatory Disclaimer:  I’m not a duckface racist.  I have no more problem with black duck lips over any others.  Red and yellow, black and white, they are mood-killers in my sight.)


Did he misspell ‘joke?’ or ‘jock?’
Either way – if your entire story is about being a used car dealer…I think I’ll pass.
And the 1940s upholstery inspired ensemble isn’t helping.  And that’s no jok.


Lest you think he took the not-so-subtle cues I was lobbing over the booty-call fence, …he did not.  He messaged me again with all the ‘reasons’ why I should reconsider.  (For the sake of keeping this blog relatively family friendly, I couldn’t post that part.  But just trust me that I know ALL there is to know about his… well…yeah…there was definitely a “brown bag foul” called on this scene.)


Wow…this is such blatant peacocking.  Do men really think this junk works?  “Ooooh!  Look at the shiny and expensive gold jewelry!  He must have money… (and OBVIOUSLY excellent taste….and exquisite grammar).  I shall date him posthaste!”
If they’re going to insist on putting out the proverbial red cape to entice the bull, at the very least they could use something that might make some movement in the right direction… gift certificates to the local Day Spa?  Pictures of your framed doctorate?  a note from your mother saying that you treat her well, but aren’t suffocatingly close?


Well, this is a match made in heaven – because I DO, in fact, want to live.
On second thought…’match made in heavenMIGHT not have been the best choice of words…


Submitted by my friend, Jennifer

I thought we’d end on a high note.  And when I say “END”…..

This guy was actually quite considerate – he is telling me RIGHT from the beginning, what I’d be getting myself into should we date.  Sure, there’ll only be one date.  But, it’s gonna be a storybook fantasy…
My what a pale face you have… “the better to freak you out with, my dear”
And, my what red lips you have… “the better to drink your blood and not have it look out of place, my dear”
And, my what a shiiiiiiiny knife you have… “the better to cut up your body into hundreds of untraceable pieces with, my dear”

SO….yeah.  I’m not sure there are any words at this point that could make any of this more palatable.

For those of you in happy relationships, go hug your significant other and count your lucky stars that you’ve found love.
For those of you on the hunt…sorry to bring you to the precipice of discouragement and misery.  But don’t jump JUST yet…
If only because there are more ‘gems’ to come.  And if I can take you deeper into that dark place, well… I’ve done my job.

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3 Responses to Line ‘Em Up & Keep ‘Em Comin’…

  1. loriwilb says:

    well, now you’ve done it. i have no snark. that’s right. none. this crop has sufficiently killed it. dead. .com

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