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One Ring to Find Them…

What is UP with all the cheaters out there?  Look – it’s hard ENOUGH for a single girl to find a single guy who actually meets all of her standards (albeit – some of us have a LOT of standards…), but it just complicates things SO much more that a large number of men (and women) out there are presenting themselves as available when they’re, in fact, married.  Geez!  It’s exhausting enough searching for the perfect match without you interlopers getting in my way.

My best friend and I were out a few weekends ago – and at nice places, too – not some seedy bar – and encountered two such individuals.  The first was a married woman with children, in her late 30’s who chatted us up at the Tasting Room CityCentre.  She was well-dressed, sitting alone, ostensibly meeting a girlfriend… and then we watched her full-on come on to a handsome man at the bar between us.  I mean… come on, Chatty VonMarriedson…. I call foul!  You already have a guy – and now you’re encroaching on someone who could potentially be ours?  That’s just greedy.

Later on that night at Max’s Wine Dive, we were talking with a good-looking businessman who waited til after 20 minutes of flirty-talk/conversation to admit to being married.  What??  Dude, you just wasted valuable time I could’ve been using my patented (ok, fine – patent pending) flirting technique (smiling, making eye contact and being optimistic…what?) on someone else!

The biggest problem here (aside from the egregious disdain for vows and commitment) is that these people are double-dipping in the pool where I’m just trying to get IN!  It’s no fair.  There’s already a limited free-swim time, what with all the lifeguard breaks and such…a girl’s gotta be a friggin’ aqua-ninja to get a splash in.  Harrumph.  (you can’t see me, but you can be sure I’m crossing my arms petulantly and furrowing my brow in full-on annoyed little-kid fashion).

If finding love is like a scavenger hunt, then the wedding ring is the best (read: ONLY) clue.  If you don’t wear your ring, you throw off the whole delicate ecosystem of the manhunt.  And who wants to throw off a delicate system?  Haven’t you seen the Lion King?  The hyenas cannot run a decent pride with ANY kind of real leadership…it’s all laughing and being ugly and no one wins.

When I was at the airport in June, I counted – in the span of 15 minutes – SIX men who were married (mostly with children) who didn’t have their wedding rings on.  How did I discover this?  Well – as any good singularly-focused woman on the manhunt would do – as I approached the gate seating area, I surveyed the room carefully, like a seasoned sniper, and chose the most ruggedly handsome man not wearing a wedding band, to sit next to.  Sure enough – after making what I can only label as supremely charming conversation for a few minutes, his wife and kid came and sat down on the other side of him, heaving with Disney paraphernalia and dibs.  Ugh.  I suppose I should be happy for this family.  They have each other…precious…. gag.  I’m not anti-family at ALL – heck, I look forward to the day when I am part of one, once again.  Blended and all that.
But, when you muck with the system, get my hopes up, and then shove your bony wife and hopped-up-on Mickey-shaped-sugary-snacks kid in my face, I’m less than enthused at your familial bliss.

It’s false advertising is what it is.  When you don’t wear the sign of your commitment and love to another person, you’re essentially putting yourself in the shoe store window of love, and marking yourself “available.”  Cruel move, if you ask me.  Because when I inevitably come along and see you, and decide you may actually be worth trying on and possibly even buying, I find out that …no… ha ha ha – joke’s on me.  That shoe isn’t really up for grabs.  It was just there to tease me.

People -here is a simple set of rules to follow:
If you’re married and you’re happy – wear your ring.  (You can sing this to the tune of “If you’re happy and you know it,” if that makes it easier to remember.  Mnemonics and all that).

If you’re married and you’re happy – wear your ring.
If you’re married and you’re unhappy – wear your ring.  And go to counseling.
If you’re married, but you’re ‘keeping your options open,’ you’re a loser.  Wear your ring and pray for mercy on your depraved soul.

Heck, there really should even be a ring for people who are seriously dating.  There would be different colors, to signify the varying levels of commitment.  You know, when you get to the point of not dating anyone else you get your beginner ring (Red.  You might as well go in rainbow order, right?); then when you take it to Facebook official you move up to orange.  Introducing her to the family?  That’s straight to green. The L word brings you to the blue/violet end of the spectrum and then…then…when you can finally toot in front of each other, it goes to silver or gold and you pop a diamond on that sucker.  Simple system.  I don’t know why we haven’t done this already.  What are we, primitives?

I don’t have a lot of tools in my arsenal to attract single guys.  I’m relying on my naked ring finger and my sparkling wit to send the message that I’m “on the market.”  Do me a favor and don’t flood said market with false opportunities or competition.  It’s just not right.

4 Responses

  1. Bob Garment, aka Daddy, aka Grandpa

    Actually, Chatty VonMarriedson saved you valuable time. The guy she approached was either to stewed or shallow to notice her ring (discard him for either or both reasons), or he saw her ring and didn’t care (discard even faster – you dodged a bullet)

    August 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    • No, she wasn’t WEARING a ring! That’s what I’m SAYING!! Grr…

      August 11, 2012 at 7:48 pm

  2. totally apropos of nothing….we should start a band. and we should name that band “Disney paraphernalia and dibs.” and I agree with you on all of the above. but you already know that.

    August 12, 2012 at 12:32 am

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