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Personal Shopper?

So – did you know that you can have someone on Match.com write your profile FOR you? Yup, for $42.63, some mid-level someone in some office somewhere will take your tidbits and turn them into a bio.  They’ll also rewrite your headline.  Sigh…  This is a whole new low.  What could possibly be the reason you couldn’t even put together a simple paragraph about yourself?  Are you THAT lazy?  THAT unintelligent?  THAT unsure of who you are?  I mean…any of the reasons I can think of for not writing your own bio are also all reasons why no woman would want to date you.  Ipso facto there is no point in paying for online dating services.  Just buy a cat, get out those sweatpants with the super stretchy waistband and call it a day.

Still – I have a few questions about these profile writers:

First – why do they insist on making ALL the profiles sound the same?  I used to think it was some kind of horrifying coincidence that so many bios sounded SO alike, but now I realize it must be that each of these cookie cutter profiles were written by the Match.com “editors.”  (And I put that in qutoes because…well…you’ll see).  Here’s what they ALL sound like:   (ahem…. clears throat and cracks knuckles):

I’m new to Houston and just wanting to see what’s out there.  I’m an easy-going, fun, loyal and caring person looking for that someone special that I can enjoy life with.  I enjoy going out on the town or just staying in.  Really, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing if you’re with someone you love.  I believe that you have to be friends first – finding your soulmate is great, but finding a best friend is the most important part.  I workout 5 times a week, have 2 dogs who I love, love to cook and just have fun.  I’m looking for someone who I can share my interests and life with.  Could you be the one?   I have a great job, but it doesn’t consume me.  I work hard to play hard.  I’m very laid back and don’t take myself  too seriously and prefer the same quality in the people around me.  My friends would describe me as an outgoing, funny, spontaneous, adventurous guy with a splash of sarcasm (just for added flavor). I try to have fun in everything that I do. I have my own business that I built from the ground up and I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished and I’m fairly content in life but would like to find that someone special to share it with. My perfect match is someone who likes to have fun, is independent, always ready to meet new people, up for challenges, adventures and travel. You are confident about yourself and your life.  You have some spunk and love to laugh at everything, you’re definitely affectionate, and you have your own ideas and opinions.  Oh, and a girl who’s just as comfortable in a formal dress and heels as she is camping or throwing her hair up into a ponytail to go to a football game.  If that sounds like you, send me an e-mail.

* Ok – in case you’re thinking to yourself, “well, THAT wasn’t very well-written…,” that’s because that’s how they ARE!  You pay someone to churn out a mediocre collection of loosely connected sentences that don’t really say much at all!  They’re never witty or clever or unique.  Swoon.

2.  Can I sort my matches by weeding OUT all the guys who opted to have someone “help” them write their profile?  If you’re at that point, then I’m not interested.

I mean – it’s not really FAIR, is it?  I could be falling in love with some guy (ok, maybe not falling in LOVE, but… being impressed?!) and it turns out he’s not even able to write a simple description?  Of himself?  I mean, it’s not like the subject matter is foreign to him…  If it is, I can offer MY services as a therapist to help him learn/understand himself better.  Sure…it’ll cost him more than $42.63, but… he’ll be able to write his OWN profile, so…. that’s something, right?

3.  Does this mean I can start posting photos of Catherine Zeta Jones in lieu of my own?  I mean…sure, the’re not ME (though,…let’s be honest…we COULD pass for sisters…), but – isn’t that the point?  Your profile no longer needs to represent you!?  Isn’t this just the same as posting a profile written by someone else?

4.  I would like to suggest a new kind of helper.  I can handle composing  my own profile…, but I’d like to click an option where a Match.com “reader” sifts through the endless parade of poorly-written profiles FOR me and distills them down to the few that actually interest me!  Is that a service I can choose?

And really, …why stop there?  Maybe we can just continue this process, wherein – I have a personal man-shopper (to be clear – the man is the object of the shopping, not a requirement for the gender of my shopper…. though…if the shopper himself were single and handsome and smart, then, I suppose we could just cut out the middle man…?  I digress…).  Here’s what I propose:  This person will wade through the murky waters of boring all-sound-the-same profiles, report notable ones to me, then I’ll pick a few to continue with and my man-shopper can meet up with them for drinks and then report back to me.  I will, of course, have a checklist and post-date form for my personal shopper to fill out so I’ll know who merits a second date.

Alright, alright…. I know – it’s ridiculous.  But then again, so is paying someone to write about YOU.  Argh…

So – to sum up –   not only is there a DEARTH of quality single guys left out there… but the few you DO find online, may not actually exist.  They may be figments of Match.com’s editorial imagination.

Keep hope alive, peeps…

2 Responses

  1. Scott S

    While we’re soitballin’ here….What about having someone go on the first date for you?

    July 9, 2012 at 9:33 pm

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