Sending out an S.O.S.

Well – ’tis the season… The wildflowers are in full bloom, the temperature and humidity are rapidly rising, the pollen count is high, and people have reclaimed all those vices they gave up for lent.  It can all only mean one thing.  Springtime is here!?  Well, perhaps, but it also means we’re long overdue for a chat about online dating MESSAGES.  (What…is that not a seasonal thing?)

At the risk of being a resounding gong… how many times do the women of the singles community have to say it – we just want normal, thoughtful first messages in our various dating app inboxes?

It’s not difficult.  It can be as simple and generic as “hi there!  Your profile is great!  I’d love to get to know you more.  Take a look at my profile, and if you don’t go running for the hills, let’s chat!  Fingers crossed…
Cute, huh?
Then, if you’re feeling especially adventurous, you could even make a reference to something in her profile that caught your eye – or make a joke – or ask her a question (as simple as “what are some of your favorite things to do/places to go in [fill in your own city here]?)”

Was that too difficult?  Heck, half of it could be locked and loaded in copy-paste mode ready to throw down on any interesting profile you come across.

But nay… that is NOT what happens.

What women DON’T want are things like:


Yes, shocking though it may be, this bulwark of imagination and wit isn’t exactly the invitation to a whirlwind romance we crave.  What it IS is the least number of characters a body can type and still be understood.  It almost never even comes with punctuation.  I mean,…c’mon…throw a girl a bone… an exclamation point!?  An emoticon??  SOMEthing.

I decided a couple months ago, for the sake of entertainment, that I would start answering the messages I usually delete… but with a response commensurate with what they sent me.  So, if they begin with the ubiquitous “hi,” then I’ll “hi” them back.  Then, for every subsequent communication, they’ll get back what they give.  And the results of my sociological experiment were…well… predictably horrifying.

msg - hello hello


Another great way to start things off is to jump right into personal or intrusive questions.  Thusly:

msg - slydevil 2

Finishing with the half insult is always a boss move.  But why not take it one step further and simply  START with a criticism?  Like this guy:

msg - capitalize


Or, you could mix it up… throw in something which could be an observation, but is likely a criticism, followed by grammatically flawed compliments.  Something like this:

msg - mixed messages


msg - brain hurtsFirst of all – let me clarify that I don’t know why we’re starting with “hello AGAIN.”  I’ve never chatted with this guy before.

Next…in case you’re thinking, “awww…maybe English is his second language?!”  No.  It’s not.  He’s as white and born-&-bred ‘Merican as they come.  He’s just…  not bright.
Or he’s high…
Either way – pass.

And now we come to the part of the post where we discuss the nasty guys who come right out of the gate with naughty stuff.  Because somehow years of relationship evolution haven’t reached them and they’re under the delusion that women, though their profile lists them as wanting a “relationship,” REALLY, in fact, just want someone to approach them like a drunk frat boy at a bar.

We’ll start with the light stuff and get grosser as we go.  I know…I’m excited too.
msg - turn you on

I don’t think he got that I was TRYING to be obtuse about the “turn me on” thing…acting like I didn’t get that it was sexual.  But he just kept barreling on like a dog with an obsolete bone.

Then there’s this… not even sure how to tee this one up:

msg - spank me

Big thanks to my friend Kevin for helping me come up with the nod to Green Eggs & Ham.


That’s out there.

And then… oh… this one’s a doozy.  See if you can keep up with me.  I tried to be especially obtuse here…
I played “I don’t know NOTHIN’ about [fill in the blank] at every turn… and he
poor fella…

msg - snackpack

Not much to say after that.

I will say this.  One guy played along with my antics, so I had to showcase him as one of the rare exceptions who was a good sport.

He started with one of my pet peeves – a first message with only one word.

So, naturally, I responded in kind, with another random single word.  But then he kept going…and he made me giggle with his last word, so – here’s a shout out to this guy:

msg - good sport


Well, there you have it.

While all you coupled-up folks have fun watching the daffodils bloom and seeing little girls skip to the playground in their floral dresses, us single folks will still be here face-palming at the receipt of stupid/tawdry/lazy first messages.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *