*-*-T-E-R and Smoocher Was her Name-O …pt. III
I don’t think it’ll come as any great shock to most of you that I like to smooch. I do. Are there people who DON’T?
And I give a lot of mental airtime to the idea of kissing… after all, not only is it fun to do, but I honestly think it is a significant form of communication and connection.
Now, this doesn’t mean I go throwing it around…and I’m happy to define my terms here, but when I’m on a date and I’m learning about the guy… if I feel an attraction, why wouldn’t I want to know how he communicates in that way?
Let me be clear…there are all sorts of ways to kiss.
There are sweet short kisses that tell you what you need to know and simultaneously impress you in their restraint,
and then all the way at the other end of the continuum, you’re muggin’ down on the couch of some wine bar for all the world to see.
And then, … in some rare cases, thre are those dates that end with your neck getting licked…like a dog.
No, I do not lie. My dear friend went on a date that ended just like that. No kiss. No makeout session. Just one long clean lick of the neck and off he went… probably to go chase a tennis ball.
Say it with me: “Guh-ross.”
So, today’s 2-part question is – how does kissing play into the beginning phase of the dating process…and how does it affect the relationship afterward, if you decide to stay friends?
Everyone is different with their “rules.” (By the way, if you think you don’t have rules and that you just “go with the flow” and see where the wind takes you, you’re wrong. You may be open to spontaneity, but you have boundaries and lines you won’t cross…they may not be as tidy and defined as mine, but you’ve got ’em. We all do. For instance, one of my rules (now), is – ‘no second date if he licks me.’ Just sayin’…).
But everyone differs on whether they’ll kiss on the first date, and if so, what KIND of smooch it’ll be…
For me, it’s less about a line in the sand I’ve made, and more about the nature of the date. If we are connecting and enjoying each other and there’s a natural opportunity for a kiss, I’m going to go for it. After all – it’s more information! Is he a good kisser? (as defined my more than technique… looking for passion and thoughtfulness… to see more about how I gauge a kiss, check out this post.) My time is limited and if I go on 5 dates with a guy before ever getting smooched, only to find that he’s inconsiderate, overly aggressive, or a myriad other deal-killers, those are 5 dates worth of nights I’m never getting back!
I know some of you are thinking…. well, what if that makes you too easy?
Look…I’m not giving away the whole enchilada… just a kiss.
It matches my personality – outgoing, expressive, passionate.
And… to clarify…I go on PLENTY of first dates where I DON’T kiss. It’s not a given. It just isn’t ‘off’ the table.
In some cases, I’ve had girlfriends who kissed on the first date and then never heard back from the guy. They thought that maybe it was because they’d “given too much away on the first date.”
I dare say I’ve never met ANY guy who wouldn’t call a girl back for a second date because she kissed him at the end of the date. Not unless the kiss was BAD….or something ELSE was going on. Readers, feel free to disagree with me.
Next…post-snogging relationships. If you decide to take your relationship to the friend zone (“Iiiii’ve been to the fri-iend zone…fri-iend zone… take me riiiiiight into-oooooooo the frie-end zooooone……. ok, sorry…I simply couldn’t resist it), and you’ve already been to smoochville? Simple answer. Just talk about it. One converstaion is all it will take. Quick and dirty. Something like this:
“Hey – you’re so fun. I’d love to keep this friendship going, but I just don’t think we’re a good romantic match. And yes…I know… we’ve kissed. But I can be cool about it if you can.” Boom. Done.
Who knows…you may even laugh about it. You MAY even be able to give each other tips for going forward! It HAS been known to happen.
Basically, I’m saying there’s no need to be afraid of kissing.
BUT. (and, naturally, I’m assuming the appropriate high school youth pastor posture as I say this)…
know your limits and lines going INTO a date.
It may sound parental and silly, given that many of us are adults in our 30’s, 40’s and up… but I still have to remind myself of my standards and ‘rules’ for physical connection. And if I know what I will and won’t do on a date, going into it, that frees me up to be able to enjoy a snog-fest, should it come my way.