Posts tagged “dating

Search for the Perfect Mannequin

Have you noticed how, when you’re IN a relationship, there seems to be a steady parade of eligible and interested single people nipping at your heels – a veritable school of piranhas surrounding you in your sea of commitment.  And then, the moment you become single again, you find yourself in a dried up pond where the only fish still flapping with life are the bottom feeders or those creepy all tooth and lights and no soul kind?  Where did the swarms of eager bachelors go?  Now that you’re free to explore your deep-sea options, the proverbial well is dry.  What gives?

My friend (and inspiration for this post) Glenda suggests it has something to do with the “On Display” effect.  Similar to the Butterfly effect, but not nearly so deterministic… actually it’s not the same at all.

  When the people around you can see you as you are in a relationship, they see the whole put-together package.  They see “relationship you.”  And they like what they see.  They see the way you dote on your man (or girl, as the sitch calls for).  They see the way you listen, care for him, make him laugh, do sweet things for him, nurse him when he’s sick, throw parties for him on special occasions, bring out the best in each of you and generally make him happy.  They also see that light of love in you that only shines when you’re “on display.”  And they want that.

She likened it to the way we like to buy an outfit as it’s displayed on a store mannequin.  You know how this goes – you walk past the window and see that they already have the pencil skirt and Bohemian-chic top impeccably paired with a whimsical summer scarf and the perfect chunky, but not too chunky accessories.  “That’s the ‘look’ I want!” you think to yourself, and lazily go buy all the components.  Same goes for partner hunting – you see someone in their relationship ‘element’ being all perfectly Bohemian-chic and you want ‘em.  You want THAT version.  But the reality is that in the real world, you don’t get to pick out the mannequin’s ensemble.  You have to put together your own. 

In some sense, if it weren’t for the fact that there is a necessary grieving and healing process we have to endure after a break-up (such a bummer that we can’t just skip that step…*exasperated sigh…), we could get back on the market while the “on display” energy is still fresh.  You know – word hasn’t spread yet that you’re pathetic and alone and the world of available men/women still sees you as “store window ready.”  Wouldn’t that be nice?  You could bag an even better shopper while you still have the vestiges of relationship success clinging to your pencil skirt.  But, alas, when we try to do that, we unfortunately bypass an essential step in our own journey…blah blah…something …something…personal growth.

 I’m gonna be perfectly honest here – I make a cracking good girlfriend.  You can ask my ex-boyfriends and they’d tell you.  In fact, I’m contemplating a new dating system wherein I have my current crush contacted by former lovers to hear their personal testimonials of my relationship excellence.  I mean, you wouldn’t hire a new employee without getting sufficient positive references, am I right?  The same goes here.  In fact, I dare say it would INCREASE my chances with someone I have my eye on – because my past boyfriends can speak to how I am when I’m off the market, and ‘on display.’ 

You all know this is true.  When you’re on those first few dates with someone new, no matter how much you try to be your true authentic self, no matter HOW you slice it, you’re in full-on illusion mode.  You’re trying to present the best version of yourself, which – while admirable – often gets in the way of that person seeing the version of you he would know if he were 6-months in.  You can’t be as soft or as vulnerable or as trusting on date #2 as you can on date #100.  You also can’t feel that same ease you’ll feel later on, which gets in the way of being yourself.  It’s a vicious loop.  Perhaps this is why we so often involve alcohol – it “lets” us be more of our real selves… In Vino Veritas, and all that.  Be charming!  Be adorable!  Be attractive!  Be yourself?  Yes!  But, not all the way…?  This is where those past boyfriend endorsements can really come in handy. 

Wouldn’t it be awesome if an hour into a date with a guy you really think you could have an amazing connection with, you could have some kind of mid-date commercial?  The record audibly scratches, your date is paused and in walks your ex with some “exciting news about the girl you’re with!”  I’m fine funding these commercial interruptions with blatant product placement – whatever it takes to get the guy, I say.  They can tell the new prospect – “dude, she’s a catch.  Really.  She’ll take care of you when you’re sick, she makes a mean Southwest soup, she’s an amazing mom, she sings in the shower when she thinks you’re not in the house, for all her bluster about being a sleep princess – she really does want someone to cuddle with while she falls asleep, she makes real sacrifices for the people she loves, she’ll keep you laughing, she works hard at the relationship, she gives creative and thoughtful gifts, she’s loyal, she’ll fight for you, and she’s a dang good kisser.”  Now, back to your regular programming.

That’s really the only way to convey your ‘on-display’ gestalt to the next generation of love candidates. 

But until I get my ghosts of boyfriends past commercial series into syndication, I guess I’ll have to rely on finding a guy who is creative enough to walk right past the ready-to-wear mannequin and go pick out his own outfit.  Hopefully it won’t involve a pencil skirt.

Creating Boys, but Craving Men

Let me preface this post with an apology for its length and ‘wax-ocity’ (yes…that is now a word.  When one waxes on about something… the noun form).  As I cull through online profiles or interact with men at (fill-in-the-blank: bars, church, social events, work, etc.), I’m more and more aware that I have conflicting desires.  And it’s just about time I admitted that and searched for the truth underneath it all.  After all, if I don’t know what I want – how can I get it?

I’ve had these ideas swimming in my head for months,…maybe even years now, but have never really been able to put my finger on the real problem.  Until now.  Yes – you read that correctly – I’ve figured it all out.  The answers to one of life’s greatest dilemmas – boys vs. men.   In the last few days, I had a eureka moment where I finally figured out WHY it is that we have such an abundance of boys around…and so few men!?!  I should be paid for this stuff…no, seriously… these are pearls, folks.  So – grab a pen and paper, pull up your chair and let’s get down to bidness.

A phrase you’ll hear women say all the time, is:  “I’m tired of boys.  I want a man.”
And, while I think that’s ultimately true… I’d like to contend that we (women), actually ACT otherwise, and in doing so, not only do we confuse the boys/men of the world, but we actually help create and continue a viscious cycle of making boys.  Hang with me.  This is gonna get good.

Let’s start with the basics.  What is it that sets the men apart from the boys?  And no, I’m not going to subject you to cutesy poems or posters or those things that end up all over Facebook about “boys do this, but a man does that….blah blah…”  I’m also not going to insult your intelligence by defining it simply as a maturity issue.  There are varying levels of maturity for boys and men, …this goes beyond that.  Hello – we are ALL maturing all the time… No, I’m going to tell you, from a woman’s perspective, what it is that I see/want/think when it comes to this distinction – deeper than issues of maturity or chivalry or the games we play.

And let me ALSO clarify that wanting a true man, doesn’t mean that we (I’m assuming other women feel the same way I do… I guess that’s a bit presumptuous, but – hey – that’s what the comments section of this blog is for) don’t want the fun, silly stuff that you may THINK I associate with being a boy.  Being a boy has everything to do with self-absorbtion and nothing to do with fun.  Being a man doesn’t mean being a reserved, measured and boring guy!  Quite the contrary!  A man, in his self-awareness, has the freedom to truly be:
– spontaneous
– silly/goofy
– witty
– romantic/impulsive
– passionate
– flirtatious/playful
A man is these things for their own sakes – because they are exciting or fun on their own, not as tools to feed a hole of unawareness or woundedness.

Let’s establish what, then, I DO mean when I am talking about men and boys.  Then, I’ll admit where I think women perpetuate the very thing we SAY we don’t want.  So – men (and boys?) – hang in there… this isn’t a man-bashing post at all.  Trust me on this.  🙂

First – let’s start with the boys.  They’re adorable, after all:

Signs you’re dealing with a BOY:

– Emotionally insecure.  (This comes across as either immaturity or an opposite defensive move – meanness, distancing, game-playing, gas-lighting, stone-walling, etc.)
– Gives in to (believes and acts on) cover emotions rather than knowing himself and digging deep within to discover/learn what it is he truly needs/desires.
– Thinks that his happiness and his comfort are things he deserves…that you owe him.
– Relies on ego stroking and self-indulgence as his source of strength and life – even to the point of manipulating a woman to get the praise he “deserves” (needs).
– Views conversation and romantic engagement as an opportunity for his own selfish gain.  (don’t get me wrong…the effort a boy will put into his end-game (usually sex, but maybe even just self-praise) is usually pretty stinkin’ fun to be on the receiving end of.  Boys use romance, flirting, connection and sensuality to get self-gratification or sex, while a man views sex as a response to a shared love and passion…but I’m getting ahead of myself).
– Is ultimately about the TAKING.  And never about the sacrificing.
– Is lazy.  Doesn’t “show up” to the relationship, except for the ‘fun’ parts (you know…receiving the love of an amazing woman and all…)
– Doesn’t know himself well enough to recognize his internal woundedness, and instead tries to control or dominate a woman to compensate for the mess inside him.  He disguises his own fears by masquerading as strong or unfeeling.

Next…. let’s talk about men.  Rewrrr….  Lawsa mercy I do get excited just thinkin’ about ’em…is anyone else in here warm?…. (fans herself wildly as if she has the vapers…)
Signs you’re dealing with a MAN:

– Self-aware.  Takes time to reflect on himself and identify the root of his masculinity (I dare say this has something to do with his place in the created order), and thusly – his true needs and desires.
– Isn’t afraid to recognize and tap into the deep well of emotion he has at his core.
– Realizes his role in helping a woman feel secure.  Not in a co-dependent way, but in a caring place – out of his own strength.  Quick caveat on this. ..

I’m a firm believer in men and women being equal in signifiance, but obviously different in makeup and strengths.  And, I’ll just say it – I think there IS a sense in which women are the “weaker sex.”  Oh, settle.  I’m not saying we’re less intelligent or capable.  Think of us like a highly expensive and delicate vase.  It has great worth, but it’s easly broken.  It needs to be cared for and valued.  And yes – sometimes dealt with more gently than a table saw.   That’s all.  And a man will CARE for his “vase,” while a boy won’t recognize it’s worth and will deal harshly with it…breaking it into a thousand pieces.  Ouch.
Ok.  Caveat over.

– Is thoughtful.  Not in a Hallmark-y, “awww…isn’t he SO sweet??” way.  Not in a “he sent me roses on Valentine’s Day” kinda way.  (Gag… c’mon…roses?  Not particularly imaginative…which goes right to my point).  No – I mean – actually THINKS.  Has thoughts.  Spends time thinking.  And then acts from a place of thoughtfulness.  Pair this with him knowing about YOU?  And you’ve got a reservoir of romantic potential.  RRRrrrr…..
– Puts the needs of the people he loves in a place of significance/importance.  This means he feels good about making others happy/secure.
– Helps.  This is part of that effort I alluded to earlier.  A boy tries to get out of work, while a man wants to help you hook up your wireless router, install a towel bar and actually anchor it into the drywall, check the oil in your car even though – yes, you know how to do it, but it’s hot and he loves serving you this way, wash the dishes after a big party, kill bugs, etc.  And let me just beat you to the punch – I know women can do these things.  And we do!  But it is just so nice to know that a man WANTS to help us.  It’s an outward expression of care and really – love.
– Owns his woundedness.  Has the capacity and desire to look at his past hurts and identify them.  This means that he won’t be projecting the pain of those onto you in the relationship, but rather asking for your help to walk ALONGSIDE him as he works toward healing.  THIS is what distinguishes a codependent relationship from an interdependent one.

 Another side note.  I do a lot of these…side notes.  I guess I just have THAT much good stuff to say… it’s a heavy burden, really, but… I think I wear it with humility.
This idea of knowing your woundedness and letting the other person in the relationship come alongside you to work through it rather than putting it on that person – is something that many women are good at.  But, it’s misunderstood as its own weakness.  This is not weakness.  It’s internal strength.  I have a friend who was recently put off by a woman’s online profile because she was open about an area in which she’s tender and needs a little extra patience.  I think he was scared that she would somehow be needy …when in fact I applaud her connection with her ‘stuff,’ such that, when something comes up in that arena, she’ll know it’s triggering emotion of her own and NOT of the guy she’s with… do you realize how freeing this is?  This is the opposite of needy/clingy.  Knowing your sources/triggers of pain and your connection to past hurts is strength that can make a new relationship SING with health!

– Knows what he wants and pursues it.  Especially when it comes to a woman.  He knows what qualities he desires and when he sees them, he actively chases after them.  This means he’ll use all the tools at his manly disposal to woo you.  His charm, his kindness, and yes – his sexuality – but in the RIGHT way.  Once again – it IS very warm in here…right?  Right??
– Is responsible.  Now, wait – before you go falling asleep on me here, I don’t mean this in a “makes his bed in the morning” kinda way.  Nor do I mean it in a “makes enough money to run a home” kinda way.  NO – I’m referring to something much more intrinsic.  A man takes responsibility for what belongs to him – including the things/people he has chosen to pull into his life.  Example: If a man chooses to be with you – to commit to you – then he also takes seriously his participation in that relationship.  He takes ownership of your well-being along with his own (and yes, women – we have to do this too, to be set apart from the girls).  When he makes a mistake, even if it’s completely unintentional, he owns it.  Ok….do you feel it?  Can you sense it coming?  Time for another aside.  You know, I’m not gonna lie…this feels so right…

Let’s talk for a moment about apologies.  One of my biggest pet-peeves is a lame-sauce apology.  This would be the boy-caliber kind.  He’s gotten “caught” doing or saying something insensitive, hurtful, thoughtless, etc. and out of obligation, says something stupid like, “I’m sorry you’re upset.”  NO!  Oy….

A real apology – the kind that may just get you some make-up sex (ears perked up everywhere…) takes responsibility for the misfire, claims it honestly and shows genuine remorse.  It may look something like this:  (face is soft and accessible – makes eye contact) “I can see now how I hurt you. When I said ______________, it made you feel ________________ because _____________, and I hate to have been the cause of you hurting.  I am really sorry.”  THIS is the kind of apology that softens our hearts.  It means swallowing pride, but more at its core, it means recognizing the error and taking responsibility for the part you played in messing up.  And c’mon – everyone messes up!  So this time it’ll be your turn, the next time it’ll be her turn.  But, to be clear, it won’t ever be MY turn.  I rarely, if ever, make mistakes.

– Is authentic.  This might seem obvious.  But, oh-ho-ho… you’d be surprised.  Authenticity requires vulnerability.  And that’s a hard thing for a guy to show.  Being your true self exposes you to misunderstanding at best and cruelty at worst.  But, oh… when you find that safe space that a woman who truly loves you can offer?  You’re in the sweet spot.  And when both people are being actively authentic, the passion and satisfaction that comes from that… well, it’s other-worldly.

Ultimately, a man is all the fun of a boy (or what we THINK of as boyish) plus the selflessness that comes with knowing yourself and desiring to SHARE love, not just receive love.

I really am sorry that this is going on SO long.  And probably most of the readers have given up, but…if you’re still with me… here comes the woman bashing part.  (If make-up sex didn’t get you, maybe this will?)

I propose…(I feel like I need some kind of drum roll, or roving spotlight or at the very least, a dramatic hush to fall over the crowd)…
I propose  that women perpetuate the boyishness that we ultimately hate.
We say with our lips, and believe in our deep-down spots that we want a man.  But we ACT (out of loneliness, desperation, fear) like we want a boy.  And – WE PURSUE BOYS.

We are, by nature, compassionate, mothering, nurturing – and we’re drawn to wounded/insecure boys.  Maybe at some level we feel like their reliance on us is love?  Maybe we think it’s the only ‘hook’ we can use to keep them faithful to us?  Maybe we truly think we can heal them and they’ll love us all the more for it?  But for whichever or all of those reasons and more – we pick the outwardly charming, but inwardly selfish guy.  We pick him, we jump right into his immaturity and self-absorbtion and then 6 months later we cry to our best friends and ask why he doesn’t care or doesn’t try or is distant or mean.  Why?  WHY does he treat me so badly?
Because he’s unable to give outside of himself. Because he’s a boy. All his attention is inward.  He’s a boy.  Every sweet and romantic thing he did in the “illusion” phase was for his own glory and once he was called upon to give and sacrifice and show up… it turned out …..you guessed it… he was a boy.

Here are some examples of how women keep men acting like boys.  How we play the game to our own detriment.

1.  Instead of saying how we really feel – and maybe making it more acceptable for him to also say how HE feels, we play the game and clam up.  Call it flirty or coy… but it’s IN-authentic.

2.  We give a boy what he wants – in bed.  (I use the term “we” loosely here.  And yes…pun intended).  By giving in and having sex with a guy before WE are ready, we send a message that you can just have that – without any relational work.  So – after several of those encounters, boys know that it’s simply a numbers game – troll for sex long enough and you’ll find a willing taker.

3.  Similarly, we do the same thing with our affection.  We may not give sex away easily, but we’re quick to give our hearts to someone who hasn’t demonstrated they’ll show it care.  A handsome face, a sparkling wit, and we’re ready to expose our soft underbelly.   And if he was a man – he’d recognize the intimate move and match it or at the very least – step carefully around it.  But a boy will either take advantage or run for the hills thinking we’re ‘crazy’ or ‘moving too quickly’ (which…perhaps we are!)

4.  We reward the wrong things.  Remember that conditioning I talked about in an earlier post?  Give a rat a treat for doing something and he’ll do it again?  Women give men ‘treats’ (this can be anything from a come-hither look, to a favor, to a sweet touch, to our entire bodies) for simply offering up the basic human kindnesses that should just be a given.  In fact, we even reward BAD behavior (self-indulgent talking, selfishness, even rudeness) too… and we’re surprised when it continues.

I could go on and on, but I’ve already written a small thesis, so – I’m gonna try to land the plane.

From the time men are young (and it’s actually OK for them to be boys), our culture (including us women) contributes to a certain emasculation (we think it’s nurturing, caring, mothering, showing compassion, etc.) …that doesn’t stop in adulthood.  Then, when they continue to act like boys when they should have miraculously become a man, we resent their relational dependency that we so once loved.  We want a man, but we created a boy.

One last side note:

It may be for this reason that so many women swoon over the poorly written tribute to false-masculinity that is the “50 Shades” series.  We mistake aggressive and domineering behavior for being a man…we confuse sadism with strength… and we so crave a man that we’ll take the other end of the boy pendulum (with one end being wimpy-ness and the other being misdirected aggression) instead of seeking an entirely different pendulum.  Mark these words – Christian Grey doesn’t love anyone but himself.  He is a boy in a handsome man’s body.

What’s the solution?  I’m still workin’ on that.  But, here’s what I know for ME.  I’m watching more closely than ever for those red flags of boy-hood.  And when I see them – even if they’re paired with a devilishly handsome body and well-spoken demeanor, I’m going to keep my emotional distance until I can see the depth, vulnerability and self-awareness that constitute what I’m REALLY looking for.  I’m also not going to contribute to the boy-making anymore.  I’m not going to play games …I’m just going to be myself.

And if it sends a guy running… well, chances are – he’s a boy running away.  And that works out rather well – because it leaves the space in front of me open for a man.

“THAT Guy” – Mr. Soapbox

Alright… if you’re just now joining us, we’re returning once again to the real-life chronicles of Sarah’s dating life.  In this episode of our “THAT Guy” series, we’re exploring the world of those men who feel the strong need to preach to you.
(Let the record show that I actually already have a lot of preachers in my life, thanks… my dad, both my bosses, and the pastor of my church – all excellent at their jobs).

But these are men who, without having even had ONE date or ONE meeting with me, take it upon themselves to wax eloquent about deep life issues and then take issue with me when I either
a. disagree, or
b. ask them to ease up off the heavy stuff

The first of these happened after we had texted a little bit here and there about likes/dislikes, music, etc.  Then, we had a lovely phone conversation one night on my way home from a dinner.
The next morning, he texted:  “So…are you dating a lot of guys right now?”  And, since we hadn’t yet met and I wasn’t sure I wanted to tip my hand just yet (though, I wasn’t, in fact, dating ANYone), I texted back, “I don’t date and tell…”  He freaked.

Next thing you know he was giving me an enormous diatribe (all via text) about how he’s a one-woman kind of guy and not interested at all in people who “play games” and that he didn’t want to talk any more with me since I was acting like an immature child.  Me.  I was the one being immature.

You know…it would be one thing if we had had a couple in-person interactions and I could size up whether I thought this was going somewhere… but… dude – we’d only texted and chatted!  Did he want a friggin’ promise ring?  Sheesh…

Next guy…oh – this gets rich.  I’m gonna have to copy and paste some of this because otherwise you’d think I was making it up.

I met him on the eHarm.  We exchanged those first few steps they walk you through – questions, etc. and then he sent an eHarmony eMail… and oh how he waxed… He went right into his views on the “end times.”  (Always an excellent choice in making a woman swoon).

Ok – first of all – I’m assuming (hoping!) that my readers aren’t homogenous when it comes to matters of spirituality, and most certainly we hold differing ideas on the “end of the world” or what happens when you die.  But…is that really what you jump into before you’ve even met someone??  He wasn’t just declaring himself to be a Christian.  Oh no… he was goin’ all kinds of post-millenial rapture and tribulation-talk on me.  (Let me just say that I don’t really feel like starting a discussion on all of these views/theologies…they concern me a LOT less than the way I live my life NOW).

But the thing is, this “discussion” was entirely unbidden.  It just appeared in my inbox one morning.  Here’s a snippet (and believe me when I say this is a TINY portion of the whole thing…it was, apparentley, his magnum opus on all things eschatalogical):

“Clearly you can talk to any preacher today and realize we are living in the end times… In my honest opinion we are merely waiting for the revealing of the anti-christ. I don’t believe in the rapture plainly for the reason that it is typically not God’s signature to “rescue” you but to bring you thru the trials and tribulations. …
In addition to that the supposed Rapture is in direct competition with the Tribulation Saints in Revelation. The Tribulation Saints take part in the first Resurrection. There is no way a rapture can take place because of this. The Rapture is built on the notion that they (the church) skip the tribulation all together.”

On and on it went.  My eyes got wider and wider.  Here is how I responded:

Wow…do you send this level of eschatalogical
pontification to all the girls who pique your
interest? I gotta say, while it sparks a desire for
conversation, it’s also a little heavy and …well….
dogmatically off-putting… I’m just being honest over

He wasn’t pleased.  He came back with:

“It does a good job of weeding out the herd.
Because if you can’t handle this aspect of my character, you can’t handle me.
I’m ok with that. Go big or go home is what I always say”

Fair enough.  I mean…if he needs someone who’s going to stroke his theologically eager ego, I’m not that girl.  I dig that he’s thought it through…I like a thinker.  But, baby steps, rapture-man!

Wow…this blog post is getting long…I’ve apparently run into a lot of these guys.  Am I alone?  Am I a magnet for dogma bullies?

The next guy wanted to talk about my philosophies on disciplining my children and…how I would feel about him disciplining my children.  Yup.  You read that correctly.  A man I hadn’t yet met – wanting to talk about my children and how he would or wouldn’t be allowed to “correct” them.  Yikes.  If you ever want a sure-fire way to turn-OFF this single mama… talk in a creepy way that makes me think you can’t wait to get your closed-minded hands on my children.  You think I’m exaggerating?  Nay.  Read on:

What are your views about punishing a child for misbehaving? How do you enforce rules and boundaries? What would you allow a significant other to do to enforce these boundaries?

 Spare the rod spoil the child. [Oh goodness… never a good way to BEGIN this discussion…]
A child should be disciplined so they learn and understand right from wrong. However, there are many ways to accomplish this and not just spanking. Spanking is a tool just like anything else. 

Timeout only policy will not accomplish much when the child gets older. The man is the head of the household.  [Hi, non sequitor… how are you today?]

Psychology: Use timeouts more effectively. The punishment must fit the crime.  [“Psychology,” huh?  Did he read that I actually have a Master’s Degree in this?  Not that it takes “psychology” to know this one.  Every parent worth his/her salt knows you fit the punishment to the crime.  C’mon, dude…parenting 101.]
Put child in timeout to make them think and you regain a level head. The threat of an additional punishment more than the timeout can really put a cap on bad behavior. If a spanking is the most logical form of action then you have to follow thru with it. A threat with no follow thru and the child will learn what buttons to push and you will lose the authority you have.
Getting them to think about the wrong they did… a younger child could be punished by making them write by hand what they did wrong and they won’t do it any more 500 times or whatever.
[Or whatever?  A small child can hardly write her name, let alone transcribe the transgression 500 times.  500?!?  Is this guy for real?? 

Obviously this would have a less effect on an older child. Repetition can be a good teacher for the behavior you want. It can also help with penmanship, punctuation etc.
Mix it up. The psychology to punishment is the dread of what you’re going to have to do to get out of it. The waiting for the actual punishment can be the actual punishment itself, but you never let on to this up front.

In our latter years many of these things will become points of jokes and laughter. Kids never forget these things even though you might.

A.  I don’t think you and I will ‘laugh’ about any of this…not only is it not particularly funny, but there won’t BE an “our.”
B.  I know this will come as a shock to many of you, but… this guy doesn’t even HAVE children!!  (Insert discouraged sigh…)

When I responded to him:

this is way TOO MUCH.
I mean…dude – we haven’t even met for a drink
and some light laughter yet!? Technically speaking,
I agree with you on probably 85% of what you’re saying,
but something about having you wax knowledgeable about
child-rearing, presents a red-flag to me about you.

I enjoyed your profile, but… this isn’t the way I want to get
to know someone…over talk of childrens’ punishments?
C’mon, dude…

He wrote back:

First off, a relationship starting out with kids involved is a red flag to me. I mean what’s fair is fair right?

Clearly if this is too much, you’re not serious about it and that’s ok for you, but not for me ok? I didn’t come here to meet someone for a drink.  If I wanted to bar hop I could do that on my own, I don’t need a service for that.

So, that brings me to the last and final (for now) gem in this category.  The guy who “broke up” with me by text …even though we’d never met.

He got us spinning our wheels talking about church (what’s wrong with it, what’s great about it, etc.), and at one point, he actually texted:  “Are you saying I let the devil tell me how to live my life?”  Um…. como?  I didn’t even know what he meant!!  I’ll spare you the explanations of who believed what (though, the quick gist of my stance is this:  the church is majorly flawed and full of hypocrites, but nevertheless, God loves it…just the same way he loves us in our messy-ness).

I tried to backpedal and assure him that I hadn’t been talking about the devil at ALL!  But, he was done – angry that I didn’t agree with him and then texted a whole break-up paragraph!  For rizzle, y’all.  All about how we had a good run, but that he couldn’t “deal” with me anymore and…”best of luck.”

Ha!  What??  I texted back, “Fine… I want my stuff.”  He didn’t get it.
Of course he didn’t.  They never do!
All the energy that could be spent on a decent sense of humor was being allocated to his self-righteousness.


“Mr. Perfect”

I thought about making my second post a diatribe on the different online dating sites and what they “offer” (a term I use loosely….because so far the only thing they’ve provided ME with… is fuel for this blog…).  But, as I started writing it, I realized I should first start with a description of what it is I’m looking for in a potential partner.

Is this a shameless attempt to have readers (I think there are a solid 4 of you so far…) see my “ideal” and set me up?  Yes.  Yes it is.

But, it’s also a bit of insight into why I’m still single…. I’m unbelievably picky.  I recognize this.  I have to admit that from the start so that I have full license to mock and pick at even the tiniest imperfections in the men that come across my path.  It’s only fair…

I am looking for …well…practically perfect.  I want a man who is intelligent, witty, loves God (and that means that he has a REAL faith where he wrestles with what it means to follow Christ in his life…not that he can check a box on Match.com that labels him as “Christian/Protestant.”), is passionate, friendly, funny, devilishly handsome,  outgoing, easy-going (doesn’t get easily heated/angry), has a decent job that he enjoys, appreciates a sassy curvy woman….and on and on the list goes.  Basically – picture that flawless man in all those rom-coms (you know…the ones written by fellow women?), add a healthy dose of spirituality – and that’s my guy.  That shouldn’t be hard to find…right?

So – in the interest of full authenticity, I’m posting screenshots of my Match.com profile.  That way – you can see what it is that I’m showing “the world.”  This is me – online Sarah.  Now you know who I am…. And what I want….

It shouldn’t be THAT hard to find…. Right?


Now that THAT’S out of the way, I’d like to walk us through the dysfunctional jungle of online profiles – where they go horribly, horribly wrong…how they make me giggle, and tips on making them better.