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The leave behind… and not the good kind

So… I’ve decided I should invent some dating “helpers.”  And I’d like to share these ideas with you.  They’re patent-pending, of course, but if you get in a pickle, feel free to print them out and use them – just give me the credit when it goes over smashingly…which it undoubtedly will.

The first is a simple form (you can carry a couple copies in your purse at all times…just in case) for those times when you’re on a date, and you know it’s going nowhere.  You know the ones… you’re five minutes in and you realize you’ve slated over an hour of your precious time for a dud.  (Now, before you go getting all mad at me for calling this fictitious character a “dud,” keep in mind that one woman’s trash is another’s treasure.  I’m not saying he’s a “dud” for everyone, but – for you and what you’re looking for…he doesn’t make the cut.  OK – disclaimer over).

You may have even bought a new outfit, maybe just new shoes, just for the occasion.  At the very least, you took the time to carefully select your ensemble, get your hair just right, do your makeup “date quality” (that is – you actually use the eye-shadow ‘base’ that you never put on for work and you bust out the sparkly eye-liner…Juuuuuust in case…), shave your legs, squeeze yourself into at least one pair of spanx, all the while listening to whatever your personal choice of pump-you-up music is (mine, depending on my mood, includes such artists as:  Little Big Town, Rascal Flatts, Girl Talk, Ingrid Michaelson or some sexy Bossa Nova…but I digress…) – you’re all set to go… heart racing just a little quicker on the drive there – because… “what if?”

But then you get there and ….you might as well hear the record scratch… he is (to put it mercifully) – underwhelming.

I’m not even talking about looks (though… isn’t it fun when he looks NOTHING like his profile photos?  That’s always a tricky minefield to navigate in conversation…”Oh, I didn’t recognize you there…you!… you look so…different from your picture!”  (you’re sporting a smile that you’re hoping conveys the message:  “in a good way!  Boy, you sure are handsome.  So much more than that picture of you on your profile where you were 100 pounds lighter with all your hair and teeth…”)).

No, I’m talking about him being one of “those guys.”  What guys you might ask?  (And let’s be honest – if you’re a single woman on the dating scene…you don’t have to ask…you know exactly who I’m talking about).  By way of example, my girlfriend Nancy just told me about a date she had recently….join me as I recreate the scene.  She was excited because he was a handsome European man who seemed intelligent, had a job he loved and was genuinely interested in her.  But every time he would ask her a question (e.g., “What did you do today?”) and she would give her answer (e.g., “I worked… we had a huge conference call…etc., etc.”), he would begin this uber-condescending slow clapping with his head cocked ever so slightly and a smug teasing (not in a good way) look on his face.  Slow clap?  The slow clap.  Are you serious?  Unless some handsome preppy college guys are standing one-by-one and chanting “Oh Captain, My Captain,” this does NOT work.  And he did it multiple times!  The first time, she laughed it off because she could tell he thought he was being funny.  But after it continued through the night, she was just frustrated (probably had her feelings hurt a little – like he was mocking her answers), and knew the date was going nowhere.

So – for all the “Slow Clap” men out there – those who “seem” like a good idea, but end up being a colossal disappointment in the first few minutes of the date – I propose what I like to call – an Early Dismissal Program (EDP).

Because – why should we have to endure the rest of the time we COULD be home cracking a bottle of wine, slipping into our PJs and watching episodes of So You Think You Can Dance, appeasing a man we have zero interest in?  I mean… my kid-free time is so precious little, that I have to think about this economically….and to spend any more time with Mr. Slow Clap (yes…that has now become an archetype.  (Holla, Jung fans!))…. well, it’s just bad biz.

So – here’s what I suggest:  excuse yourself from the table to use the restroom, go to said restroom and pull out one of my handy pre-made forms from your purse, check the reason for the EDP , and give it to a server to hand to him after you’ve snuck out the door to your car.

Date over leave behind form (pdf for easy printing)

(Obviously you’ll change the name at the bottom of the form.  And you can even print them in index card size for ease of carrying… make this your own.)

Now…feel free to modify this form to fit your specific needs or pet peeves.  And also don’t hesitate to direct his attention to the backside where you can choose to leave additional comments or suggestions.  After all – this is a growth edge for him – make it count.

Never say I didn’t offer my helpful dating services, friends.

3 Responses

  1. Laura Conner

    Brilliant! Can we make this form for new friends? You are hilarious as usual.

    July 2, 2012 at 1:21 am

    • I would be happy to modify the form for all your friendly (or not so friendly) needs. I can be paid in cash, available men or wine.

      July 3, 2012 at 5:42 pm

  2. Sara W

    It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one who has experienced almost all of those “date killer” moments listed on your form. Great idea!

    July 2, 2012 at 2:51 am

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