They’re worth 1,000 creepy words…

Profile pictures.  Yup.  It’s time for the talk.

Here are some that are not recommended.  And….to be clear…. When I say “not recommended,” what I really mean is, [pumps her fists angrily into the air] “WHY?  Why do people think this is OK?  Why, I ask you??”  Ok.  Overly dramatic rant over.

For now.

1.  Naked pictures.  It’s one thing if you have a shot of yourself at the beach or on a boat, where you’re in swim trunks – that’s perfectly acceptable.  But don’t take your shirt off at home, arrange your shorts just low enough to show your Abercrombie man-creases, and then use your phone in the bathroom mirror while flexing your muscles and raising one eyebrow…

2.  Pictures where you look angry.  I’m already taking a risk putting myself out there on the ‘ol interwebs… so, scowling like a terrorist or a gang member doesn’t exactly instill confidence in your gentle or romantic side.  I tend to not be turned on by potential murderers… I’m just sayin’…

3.  Photos that display your WAY-too “bachelor pad”-y house. Here’s a simple checklist to use when setting up your photo shoot:  If there are more than 2 of the following IN the shot, put down your phone and correct the situation:

-a power tool

-any cleaning supplies – extra points deducted if the dirty swiffer sheet it still on….ick.

-food.  This includes ready-to-eat, already-mostly-eaten and pantry products (I don’t need to see the box of Cheez-Its you keep by the bed)

-a nasty toilet (nasty as defined by having any color other than the color of the bowl/lid on or near it) or a hairy bathroom sink

-empty beer bottles

-pile(s) of clothing

-Call-of-Duty Game case

-Unidentifiable goo, stuff, or schmutz of any kind

-Camo anything

-Framed Motivational poster.  Unless you’re going for irony… or unless it’s from Despair.com

-Your Rock Band guitar

-Used eating utensils

-Torch lamp – a la college dorm room

-Toys – you know…those things that you shouldn’t still play with, but you label it ‘collector’ and suddenly it’s just fine – like Star Wars light sabers and such

-Your dubstep CD collection

-A bong

4.  Pictures of you with perfectly-proportioned gorgeous women.  You know the ones… you’re trying to say, “look at me – I’m the kind of guy who can score THIS,” but  what I see is, “great…he’s the kind of guy who’s only looking for outside beauty.”  Even if the girls in the photos really are deeply intelligent, all I see is eye candy.  And this seems to be a guy-specific thing.  I wouldn’t even consider posting photos of me with my ex.  After all – I don’t want to give off any vibe that’s less than “I’m available.”

5.  Multiple photos of your dog.  We get it…you love your dog.  You don’t see me posting photos of my iPhone, do you?  (and don’t even think to yourself, “oh that’s not the same – you can’t LOVE your iPhone.”  Oh.  Oh hohoho…yes.  you can.)  Look – one dog shot says, “I HAVE a dog.”  Two say, “I really LOVE my dog.”  Three or more say, “Either I’m hideous and would rather post pictures of my puppy than my repulsive mug, or I have an unhealthy obsession with photographing my dog.”  Oh and – my house smells…. Like dog.”

6.  Photos of random stuff that has nothing to do with you or dating… ones I’ve seen (and I’m not making this stuff up):  crawfish (see below), a fishing pole, a museum with no people in the shot, cars/motorcycles/4-wheelers and a banana (ahem….)

In case you think that maybe this guy was a chef or there was some other logical reason to post this pic…. he wasn’t. And there wasn’t.

7.  No pictures.  What?  I mean…I don’t like to think of myself as shallow, but I have to see SOME representation of what you look like… if, for no other reason than to check for prison tats.

8.  Your high school graduation picture.  Really?  Really, you think this helps somehow?  All it does is tell me that you’re either way too young and thus consider this a ‘recent’ photograph, or you’re still stuck in high school ‘mode,’ (and if you don’t know what that means – then you probably are).

9.  Multiple shots of you sticking your tongue out and doing the devil/rock-on sign with your hand.  I mean, how many of these does a body really NEED?

Not only are we doing the college/drunk pose, but you’re also wearing what I can only assume is a gangster necklace and drinking…(judgmental gulp) Bud Lite? Dude… You’re better than this.

10.  Commemorative plates, mugs, mouse pads, etc. which have been made with your photo.  … we all know how to use snapfish.  You’re not special.  But now you’re just the tool who posted a picture of a plate.

11.  Cutting JUST the head of your ex out of the shot.  Dude.  It’s called “crop tool.”

12.  Cutting out your head from a physical photo and scanning it in.  Once more – it’s called the “crop tool.”

And…who cut this out? Your Kindergartner?

13.  Putting a black circle or blurred spot over JUST the head of your ex.  Why do you think I need to see her body?  Again, say it with me this time– “crop tool.”

14.  Super artsy shots where there’s NO getting past the fact that you think you’re a big deal.  Picture it:  a black and white scuffed-edge effect shot of you wearing a jean jacket over a “I’m so hipster cool that I bought this at Good Will” plaid shirt with pearl snaps, holding a guitar (not strumming it, mind you), leaning against a brick wall and looking off into the distance contemplatively .  Note:  one of these types of photos is possibly acceptable (depends on the vibe I get from your profile… heck, maybe you ARE a big deal!  Maybe it’s the cover of your latest album and you really ARE a musician).  But a series of them says that your Montrose friend (oh, I went there…) came and did a photo shoot to make you look deep.  Let’s just call this what it is – the postmodern age’s version of Glamour Shots.

15.  A photo of you eating – mouth open – half-chewed food inside.  C’mon, dude….

16.  Up the nose.  Why are there so many of these?

17.  Having lots of pictures from around the world – all taken from far away.  I dig the well-traveled thing.  But, seeing that nondescript ‘guy’ in front of the Eiffel tower, then the pyramids, then on a yacht, then at Stonehenge, then in front of some Thai buddhist temple….alright already!  I’d rather see  one close-up shot to be sure you have all your teeth, than 30 pictures that make me think you might just have access to a green screen…

18.  Any picture which may even SUGGEST that you have a mullet.  You think they’re not out there?  Oh…they’re out there.

Just a HINT of mullet is too much mullet.

There’s no party here – that’s all “disaster in the back.”

19.  Pictures where you’re trying to prove your obvious profession as a pimp.

White vinyl couch? Check. White dog being forced to sit on your lap? Check. White hat, undershirt, overshirt AND watch? Check. Keepin’ it classy

Definitely the right choice on the scowl. No woman wants to “date” a pimp with a smiling problem.

20.  Any photo where your obvious laziness overpowers any handsomeness you bring to the table.  Check out this guy who couldn’t even put down his not-yet-lit cig.  And it’s not like he was caught unaware as some friend snapped it – this is a self-taken shot!  Really?  I can only HOPE you’ll put THIS much effort into our relationship.  (closes eyes tightly and crosses fingers)

Or this guy who couldn’t even put down his paper towel down on the men’s room counter…

Awesome job on centering the shot.

21.  Costume shots where it’s not obviously halloween or a costume party.  If these are your “going out clothes,” I’d rather you just stay in.

So many questions…1- who TOOK this photo? How can you call yourself a friend?
2 – where is your leg?

Oh, Houston….. where are the handsome, slightly-preppy-slightly-hipster well-dressed thoughtful picture takers/posters?

Signing off to go find more mockery material…

3 Responses

  1. I just snorted from the hilarity. good stuff, friend, good stuff. also, are you saying I CAN’T use my glamour shot? (the turquoise feather boa really brings out my eyes…)

    June 17, 2012 at 1:02 am

  2. Jkrump

    But if they’re WHOLE WHEAT Cheez-Its…he’s a keeper for sure, oui? Loved the bachelor pad checklist. 🙂

    June 18, 2012 at 5:12 am

    • Whole wheat may make for a better dietary choice, but I still don’t need to see a box of them alongside a jigsaw, a Skrillex album and a used kleenex pile…you know? IJS…

      June 18, 2012 at 6:33 pm

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