Tips & Judgmental Musings…

Here are a few thoughts and tips for the men out there creating online dating profiles:

(in no particular order)

– If you’re wearing a hat in all your profile photos, …the jig is up.  We know you’re bald.  Own it.

– Don’t start up communication with someone who’s WAY out of your age range…it’s just tacky.

No, Mr. 69-year old… I don’t think it’s gonna work out…

And on that note – what is UP with men wanting women SO much younger than they are?  I can’t tell you how many times I see a guy who’s my age (35), and is “seeking a woman 18-34.”  Really?  You would actually prefer a teenager over someone born the same year as you?  A teenager.  As in… not even old enough to buy beer.  As in… may actually get more excited about a sale at Forever 21 than going on a date with you.  As in… the aforementioned date can’t even involve big-girl drinks.                                                             As in… like….totally….whatever….you get it.

– No, I don’t want to “hang out” at your place…when we’ve never met in public.  How many bodies of other women who came to ‘hang out’ do you have piled in some creepy outdoor shed?  Decline.

– What is UP with these men in Canada?  Please don’t try to start a relationship with me if you live more than 25 miles away… what could possibly come of that?  I mean… isn’t the POINT of online dating, so that you can actually find someone that fits all of your expectations…right here by you?  And…we live in Houston!  It’s not like there’s a dearth of people…  And yet – and YET – no matter HOW many times I tell eHarmony that I want someone close, they still send me guys from Arizona, Missouri and Kentucky.  Are these the only men that ‘matched’ up with me?  Am I THAT picky that I have to outsource to Kentucky?  Something has gone terribly wrong… (no offense, Kentuckians…)

– Let’s stay away from the creepy or immature handles… Basic rule of thumb: if your online name is gross, you’re probably gross.

It doesn’t matter how handsome you are… if your ‘name’ is “SmoothTongue”…it’s just not gonna work out.  (yes – that is a real handle I encountered.  I’m not makin’ this stuff up, people).  Here are some I’ve seen:

  1. BigOne     – wow….overcompensate much?
  2. URDaddy     – let’s hope not.
  3. FunMilkMeGood   – what?  does. that. even. mean?
  4. Looking4U2Hold   …heavily sedated, in my arms…
  5. Edible4   -um…edible for what?  I’m confused… and oddly hungry…

-I’m not interested in dating you if…

  1.  You have a tattoo of any cartoon or transformer
  2. You smoke.  Gross.
  3. Your online name includes the words “dawg,” or “ese”
  4. You checked the box for “Christian” on your profile, but have zero interest in matters of faith.
  5. You think “alot” is a word.
  6.  You have anything even remotely related to a mullet.

– Other things to stay away from… not necessarily deal-breakers, but definitely off-putting:

  1.  Including a whole diatribe about how you ‘work hard to play hard’
  2. A soul patch.
  3. Giving a super specific list of what your potential partner should or shouldn’t like.  I mean… isn’t the whole point that people who enjoy different things can introduce their partners to new things?  I shouldn’t have to LOVE Ultimate Fighting or NASCAR to be appealing to you…
  4. Ultimate Fighting and NASCAR
  5. Coming off as overly sexual.  This one is a fine line because we all want to appear well-rounded and attractive and we all want to find someone with whom we have fantastic chemistry and one day connect with sexually.  But when sexual/physical chemistry seems to be your number one goal, it reads as smarmy or juvenile.
  6. Putting the word “handsome” or “good-looking” in your handle…  I mean….if you have to say it… I’m not so sure.

I mean….my goodness.  Just put a friendly picture of you smiling (keep your eye out for a post on photo do’s and don’ts in the next week), an authentic and witty (and succinct) profile paragraph about yourself and who you’re looking for, and we’ll take it from there!  Is that really asking for much?

6 Responses

  1. Kristina Rhett

    This one made me laugh out loud!! I enjoy reading your musings.

    June 12, 2012 at 2:28 am

  2. Lisa Carbaugh

    Hilarious…you’ve once again reminded me to be thankful that I’m not out there having to navigate the crazy new world of online dating. Remember going to the skating rink on Saturday nights? Maybe you’d get asked to couple skate…maybe not. Either way, it was no biggie to the ego. You show up, jam to some Jefferson Starship (We built this city!!) or Bonnie Tyler (Total Eclipse of the Heart) in your brown rental skates with your best pals, eat a pickled sausage and go home happy. Remember spending entire Sundays at the beach wearing SPF 4 and tiny bikinis and eating Taco Bell? (Oh, the days of sitting in public, eating fast food in a bikini), surrounded by lots of (male and female) friends? There was no sense of “desperation”…nobody was there strictly to hook up, no blatant displays of manhood designed to impress us and trick us into love. No cellphones, emails, Facebook, twitter, or online access of any kind to distract us from basic human interaction. Kind of a blessing really. Here’s a thought…what about organizing more mixed couple gatherings…every married couple has to invite at least one single friend… and in a fun, low key, confortable environment have everybody hang out, eat some good food, drink some good wine, play a couple of hilarious old school board games. Maybe that would be an effective way to make some authentic connections **without** having to deal with all the electronic BS that’s just impossible to filter through?! Every married couple has one or two single friends they’d love to see get “involved” with a nice person. (Bonus: they’ve passed one stage of the potential mate test already: You already have a mutual friend who can confirm that their particular level of “crazy” falls in the normal range, and you can rest easily knowing that the “bodies in the shed” scenario you mentioned earlier just got a lot less likely). Just my two cents. I, personally, know several, awesome, beautiful, childless, thirty something men in Florida…so move your butt closer and we’ll start networking!!! <3

    June 12, 2012 at 3:10 am

    • Lisa,

      What would I do without your refreshing wit? LOVE the game night idea.

      And…as far as moving my “butt” closer… I’m legally bound to Houston (that whole single mama thing, you know) for the next 13 years. SOOoooo – why don’t YOU send these beautiful men on an all-expense paid trip to H-town. It’ll be a cultural experience. And no…that is NOT code for ‘get lucky,’ though it really did sound like it….


      June 13, 2012 at 9:24 pm

  3. Sarah,

    You are so definitely hilarious! I totally hated “being” a dating man in my 40’s after the big “D”. I have a single lady friend who shared her stories with me on similar issues you mentioned in your blog above. I have a great one for you.
    My friend, we’ll call her Amy, replied to a post online to a guy that sent his picture from College, He was supposed to be 50+. She thought he looked cute, he sounded like a pretty nice guy on the phone and voice fit the guy in the picture. She asked him about the picture and he said, “Just picture me with gray hair.” She said, “Ok.” When they met, he was 50Lbs. heavier with a bad hair dye job, and …….. A Glass Eye from health related issues of a much older man.
    I applaud your endeavors and post.

    June 13, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    • C’mon….. seriously? “Just picture me with gray hair” to a GLASS EYE? You just can’t MAKE this stuff up! Geez…

      June 14, 2012 at 3:40 pm

  4. hey ese! I got some tix to the NASCAR race next Sunday! What say we meet up at my place for some ciggy’s before so we can see if we have chemistry, dawg?!
    holla back at me : @hotgirlgatoradeyum

    June 13, 2012 at 11:45 pm

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