Tips & Judgmental Musings…
Here are a few thoughts and tips for the men out there creating online dating profiles:
(in no particular order)
– If you’re wearing a hat in all your profile photos, …the jig is up. We know you’re bald. Own it.
– Don’t start up communication with someone who’s WAY out of your age range…it’s just tacky.
No, Mr. 69-year old… I don’t think it’s gonna work out…
And on that note – what is UP with men wanting women SO much younger than they are? I can’t tell you how many times I see a guy who’s my age (35), and is “seeking a woman 18-34.” Really? You would actually prefer a teenager over someone born the same year as you? A teenager. As in… not even old enough to buy beer. As in… may actually get more excited about a sale at Forever 21 than going on a date with you. As in… the aforementioned date can’t even involve big-girl drinks. As in… like….totally….whatever….you get it.
– No, I don’t want to “hang out” at your place…when we’ve never met in public. How many bodies of other women who came to ‘hang out’ do you have piled in some creepy outdoor shed? Decline.
– What is UP with these men in Canada? Please don’t try to start a relationship with me if you live more than 25 miles away… what could possibly come of that? I mean… isn’t the POINT of online dating, so that you can actually find someone that fits all of your expectations…right here by you? And…we live in Houston! It’s not like there’s a dearth of people… And yet – and YET – no matter HOW many times I tell eHarmony that I want someone close, they still send me guys from Arizona, Missouri and Kentucky. Are these the only men that ‘matched’ up with me? Am I THAT picky that I have to outsource to Kentucky? Something has gone terribly wrong… (no offense, Kentuckians…)
– Let’s stay away from the creepy or immature handles… Basic rule of thumb: if your online name is gross, you’re probably gross.
It doesn’t matter how handsome you are… if your ‘name’ is “SmoothTongue”…it’s just not gonna work out. (yes – that is a real handle I encountered. I’m not makin’ this stuff up, people). Here are some I’ve seen:
- BigOne – wow….overcompensate much?
- URDaddy – let’s hope not.
- FunMilkMeGood – what? does. that. even. mean?
- Looking4U2Hold …heavily sedated, in my arms…
- Edible4 -um…edible for what? I’m confused… and oddly hungry…
-I’m not interested in dating you if…
- You have a tattoo of any cartoon or transformer
- You smoke. Gross.
- Your online name includes the words “dawg,” or “ese”
- You checked the box for “Christian” on your profile, but have zero interest in matters of faith.
- You think “alot” is a word.
- You have anything even remotely related to a mullet.
– Other things to stay away from… not necessarily deal-breakers, but definitely off-putting:
- Including a whole diatribe about how you ‘work hard to play hard’
- A soul patch.
- Giving a super specific list of what your potential partner should or shouldn’t like. I mean… isn’t the whole point that people who enjoy different things can introduce their partners to new things? I shouldn’t have to LOVE Ultimate Fighting or NASCAR to be appealing to you…
- Ultimate Fighting and NASCAR
- Coming off as overly sexual. This one is a fine line because we all want to appear well-rounded and attractive and we all want to find someone with whom we have fantastic chemistry and one day connect with sexually. But when sexual/physical chemistry seems to be your number one goal, it reads as smarmy or juvenile.
- Putting the word “handsome” or “good-looking” in your handle… I mean….if you have to say it… I’m not so sure.
I mean….my goodness. Just put a friendly picture of you smiling (keep your eye out for a post on photo do’s and don’ts in the next week), an authentic and witty (and succinct) profile paragraph about yourself and who you’re looking for, and we’ll take it from there! Is that really asking for much?