Look. You are no different from anyone else when it comes to the basics of what you want in a partner. Obviously everyone is unique and has certain idiosyncrasies that set them apart in what makes them choose one over another. But, the basics…the standard fare – is always the same. I mean, c’mon – no one says “I’m looking for a lazy, ugly, cheating, raging, cheap man who will give me no attention or affection.” (But if you know this girl, give her a “bless your heart” hug as soon as possible.)
So, since we’ve established that we all want the normal baseline of decent human character, can we stop TALKING about it? I am so sick of reading profile after profile that say the same stinkin’ thing. They all want a woman who is sweet, but also speaks her mind; who is pretty with or without makeup; who enjoys her work, but isn’t consumed by it; on and on…. something, something…blah blah…I’m alseep.
Can we start an uprising? A revolutionary new way of approaching this? Hows about this: don’t say dumb stuff that’s obvious. Say something that sets you apart. I’m telling you – the profiles that grab my attention and make me want to send the guy a message, are those that have a flash of wit or an interesting musing or even just a silly story. In an effort to jump start this grassroots campaign for uniqueness, I’m offering up my services – that is, I’m going to tell you how to not screw it up.
First off…guys, why do so many of your profiles say that you want an HONEST woman? Well, duh. Do we have to SAY that? All you’re doing is letting everyone know that you were cheated on. Which is sad, but it’s not particularly relevant for searching for a woman online… I mean, let’s just think this through to the end – if I’m NOT an honest woman, then obviously I’m not going to tell you I’m dishonest…that would be honest…which I’m not. So, I can CLEARLY not choose the wine in front of you! (If you don’t get that reference, you should have your funny gland checked… no, seriously…I’m a little concerned…)
Next, a helpful list for quick reference when writing the “about me” section:
Things EVERYone loves, so you don’t need to verbalize it:
– Long walks on the beach. The beach is beautiful, day or night. Walking hand in hand with someone you love is delightful. Who wouldn’t like to put these two things together?
– Have fun. ….OOOOooh. Ok. Gotcha.
– Staying in and watching a movie, cuddling on the couch. Men always list this right after they’ve used that whole line about wanting a woman who can put on her heels and go out on the town, AND be able to just throw her hair up in a ponytail and relax at home. I think they must think that we need to hear them admit to being homebodies? Everyone likes vegging out on the sofa. Everyone likes having someone around to snuggle with. Again…put these together and you have a universally acceptable partner activity.
– Laugh. Really? You have to say this? You have to specify that you enjoy that thing your body naturally does…when you’re experiencing enjoyment? Is there such a thing as a person that doesn’t like to laugh? I mean, barring all those people with cripplingly painful laughter muscle diseases… obvi. But, are there women out there who hate it when they laugh? Try picturing someone laughing and hating it at the same time…kinda funny, right? Kinda makes you want to laugh, right? I hate that.
– Love. So, wait… you love love? AND you’re on an online dating site? That is so. weird.
– To enjoy life to the fullest. This one really chaps my hide. Why do they have to be so extreme? I mean… I like to enjoy life as much as the next guy, but…. ‘to the fullest?’ I don’t know that I’m ready for that kind of commitment…
– Simple Pleasures. While I prefer to have to toil tirelessly for a small amount of happiness, I suppose I can get on board with some pleasure that comes easy… it’s asking a lot, but I’ll try to power through.
And, let me just admit that I’m guilty of this too. I guess I feel like if I DON’T list the globally understood basic decencies I want in a person, that I’ll be that lucky girl who ends up with some soul-less sociopath, rocking in a corner somewhere, muttering to myself, “I should’ve specified that I wanted a nice, honest guy….what have I done?”
But, perhaps ….just perhaps… one day, I’ll be bold enough to take my quasi-generic checklist down and put something like this up in its stead:
“Sassy, sometimes controlling, but always fun grammar nazi seeks a man who:
– prefers real Christmas trees over fakes ones. I mean…eww.
– will kill spiders and all manner of bug or icky-like creatures that come into my path.
– will play the radio game with me, and never stoop to letting me win.
– won’t tease me about my spray butter problem, unless it’s that adorable flirty teasing thing.
– won’t judge me for watching trash TV…and maybe will even watch a few shows with me.
– is handsome enough that I can’t resist him, but not SO perfect that I feel insecure around him. I don’t need abs of steel… abs of a good firm back-sleeper-pillow will do just fine.
– won’t roll his eyes at my habit of turning every phrase into a song.
– will let me convince him to abandon white flour. It’s the wave of the food future, dude. Just surrender now.
– will let me have 5/6ths of the bed and keep the ceiling fan off.
– will watch chick-flicks with me without rolling his eyes and saying words like “formulaic”
– doesn’t consider a matinee and dinner at Chili’s a “romantic evening”
– will offer to rub my shoulders without me having to ask, from time to time
– can cook. Or at least will join me in a culinary adventure where I cook and he’s my hunky sous chef. Oh my….
– drinks wine.
– owns clothes other than graphic tees
– will throw a party with me… bonus points for hosting or going to a costume party where he actually dresses up.
– loves Jesus…and actually GETS that we need him.” (whoa…heavy…)
So – there you have it. Men of Houston, form a line and let’s do this thing. I’m accepting 7’s and higher tonight.