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You’re NOT Perfect Just the Way You Are

I’d like to become a professional dating consultant.  No, not a matchmaker.  YOU find the girl, I’ll help you keep her.  Sort of like Hitch, but …white, and with more estrogen.

The thing is – I’ve been on enough bad dates or heard about them or have even witnessed them from a table over, that I feel the world is ready for me to make it better, one clueless guy at a time.  Think of it like a makeover, but more for your personality.  Hey, I’m not here to sugarcoat.  I’m like the SuperNanny of courtship.

My services would include, but not be limited to the following:

– helping you reassess your strategy in connecting with women.  If there are more people like me out there compelling the men of the world to make contact with women the way we dream of, then maybe we really WILL start seeing more of those RomCom encounters we want – preferably without the com.  For instance – if there’s a girl at a coffeeshop with no wedding ring and she looks over at you and makes eye contact, even if just for a second, that’s your invitation to go talk to her.  That’s it.  Simple, huh?

– Recording your date and, in my post-date consultation, doing a cooperative video analysis.  There will be a whiteboard, X’s and arrows, and …if you pay for the deluxe package, even an inspiring pep talk.

– For those in need of intensive help, I will even come along on your dates.  I’ll sit one table over (hey, I’m that girl anyway), eavesdrop, and use our own pre-coordinated complex taxonomy of visual cues and hand signals to help you navigate the tricky waters of women.

– In cases of extreme emergencies, I will step INTO the date and rescue the woman.  This may or may not involve me asking you to just go, but it will certainly include profuse apologizing, topic-changing and basically an entire structural reorg.  (That’s corporate talk for starting from scratch).

But, if you’re not ready to sign up yet, let me whet your appetite with some teasers of truth.  These are pearls, so – my publicist would kill me for just giving them away for free… but, what can I say?  I’m feeling generous today.

Things girls do NOT like:

– licking your lips or doing weird things with your tongue.  Gross.  Do you want to date me or eat me?  Please don’t answer.

– Talking about yourself the entire time.  And here’s the thing – this is true even IF you’re an interesting guy.  But, let’s be honest – most of the culprits of this crime are not.  Interesting.  So we’re left to our own internal devices to make the time pass.  My personal fantasy involves me scooping my eyes out with a melon-baller.
* In related news, if you hear yourself use the phrase, “to make a long story short,” the ship has already sailed.  Abort.  Abort!

– Too much cologne.  This is not an irreparable issue, but it’s not gonna help your game either.  Even if it smells good.  A little goes a long way.  When in doubt, err on the side of the woman not being able to smell the cologne at all than to smell too much.  A good rule of thumb should be – we should only be able to catch a whiff of it if we get very close (e.g. hugging, kissing, whispering in your ear, etc.)

– Speaking ill of others.  We don’t want to hear you talk about what a *&%# your ex-wife is, we don’t want to hear about the guy in your office that you can’t stand, and we don’t want you to bash another people group – unless it’s a group – of people – who are mean…then I guess you’d have a double negative on your hands, wouldn’t you?  I went on a date with a guy who said, “gay people are so GROSS.”  Yikes!  Just like that?  An entire population of people – summed up with such ignorance… good grief.  Such a turn-off.

– Chastising your date.  I had a guy tell me once – on a second date – that I really should relax my “rules” of not sleeping with a guy on the first couple of dates.  Oh really?  You think I should relax that rule, huh?  What a shocker!  And, no.
But, to be clear – now that you went all parental tone on me and let me know I’M the one who’s off for not wanting to sleep with someone I don’t love, I’m SO much MORE attracted to you!  (read the sarcasm)

– Checking other women out.  I am embarrassed for us as a society, that this still has to be spelled out.
Look, I know men are visual.  But, are they also completely unable of exercising self-discipline?  If you had any idea how it made your date feel to see you eyeing a pretty woman who walks by, I wonder if you’d think twice before the next time.

– Being late.  Check it: this is the first and simplest way you can show a woman you care about her – respect her time.  If you’re late, it tells her that you think she’s important enough for you to try.

– Laughing at everything we say – but not because it’s funny.  Because you’re trying to impress us.  I’ve had guys laugh even when I’m not saying something funny.  Now, granted, I’m hilarious.  So, it’s hard sometimes to tell when the wit stops and the “regular” stuff starts, but still.  When you’re doing that nervous giggling after every sentence I say, it makes me think you don’t have a backbone.

Things girls DO like:

– Winking.  Not in that cheesy “what would it take to put you in this car today?” kinda way, but a sweet or flirty wink… will send our hearts racing.

– Sensual touch.  Touching the arm or the knee while you’re laughing or talking, shows us that you like us and steps up the confidence a little so we can continue to feel free to be ourselves.  I mean, this is simple conditioning.  If the rat pushes the lever, it gets a fruit loop…and it’s gonna push the lever again.  Yes – in this scenario, women are rats.  In hindsight, I might have chosen a better metaphor, but here we are.

– Eye contact.  Again – not the creepy kind where too much of the whites of your eyes are showing and your chin is jutted out like a crazed psycho.  No – just maintaining enough that we know you’re interested.  Now, if you wanna take it to the next level (when the moment is right), brush our hair away from our face while looking at us…and we’ll be yours for life.

– Dressing well.  A double-breasted suit isn’t necessary, but just make it look like you care.  A shirt half tucked in, half out or a tee-shirt with bleach stains all over it don’t send the message that you’re particularly excited about meeting me.  A clean gig line is halfway to love, baby.

– Pay.  I know, I know…it’s archaic.  But, I’m sorry, it’s sexy.  This won’t apply to your entire courtship, obviously.  But that first date – if the guy pays, it sends a message about his character.  Now, listen, single women aren’t just trying to get free drinks/dinners, as much as whiny embittered guys would like you to believe.  Do you really think that we think it’s WORTH a free drink to put up with someone we have zero interest in?  No.  If we’re there, we WANT to be there.  You paying just shows that you think we’re WORTH buying a meal/drink/pony.  (just seeing if you’re paying attention).

– Fresh breath.  When a guy leans in to talk to me and I can smell minty deliciousness, he gets major points.

– Interest in our lives.  Ask questions!  (One of my services is providing lists of appropriate questions, based on prior level of contact, number of dates, etc.).  And for those of you advanced enough – ask questions within the questions (this is SO Inception-y).  In other words, if you ask her what church she goes to and she answers, don’t just move on – ask her why?  What is it about that church (fill in here – job, hobby, music, etc.) that she enjoys?  And with each answer, dig into the conversation more, until you feel like you’re really getting to KNOW her.   People yearn to be KNOWN.  This is one of the greatest gifts you can give.  Much better than buying an expensive dinner.

[Sidebar – as I sit and write this at a coffeeshop in Houston’s Heights, there are two people right across from me who met for coffee for the first time.  She’s talking, and he’s leaning in with a look of interest on his face, making eye contact and asking follow-up questions.  Beautiful.  I feel like a National Geo explorer who just discovered some amazing new bird…]

You could basically boil most of this down into this simple rule…and it’s pretty complex, so – concentrate…

TRY.

That’s it.  Effort.  Women love a man who gives THOUGHT to us.
Effort is as the root of romance <– not gonna lie, this is good stuff here…

So, if you’re interested in my services, let me know and we’ll see what sort of package suits your particular situation best.  And I am certainly NOT doing this to add another pool of single men into my sphere of contact.  Nope.  That would be selfish and opportunistic…

6 Responses

  1. So I did something horrid.

    I joined a dating site.

    ….again.

    Again?! Yes, again. It hasn’t worked in the past so I thought about what I didn’t like about previous experiences and I’m trying something new. A geek dating site. Be sure to laugh heartily at me while I still think this idea is spectacular! 😉 After that, you might be forced to laugh with me.

    Keep entertaining us. I’m gonna need it!

    July 23, 2012 at 3:36 am

    • Jen, I LOVE it! I’m curious which site it is? A friend recommended a nerdy site to me, but it ended up being the wrong KIND of nerdy. MY version of nerdy is playing word games or using big words, not knowing the cheat codes to (fill in appropriately geeky video game here) or making montly pilgrimages to comic cons.
      But – best of luck to you! If you find Mr. Wonderful, I hope you’ll still keep reading… and as you find Mr. “Not-So-Wonderful”s – feel free to send me some of the ‘winners’ – maybe I’ll include ’em in my next posting!
      Keep me in the loop!!

      July 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

      • I will send you any fantastic profiles a find. There are some true gems out there. 😉

        I went with: http://www.gk2gk.com

        I like it because you can search all of the profiles w/o joining. (And really search them and read the whole thing.) There isn’t ten bazillion questions when join, which I appreciated. They also had taller members and I’m 5’11” so I REALLY like that. (That may not matter to you,)

        I decided to go with a “geek” site because I have an eHarmony history of attracting stupid guys. We are talking :ONE GUY HAD NEVER HEARD OF HITLER! Just…not the brightest in the bunch. I got tired of not being able to use big words or talk about current events.

        There are a good amount of larpers. I present this for your entertainment since you may not know what a “larper” is: http://www.holytaco.com/larpers-nerdy-photo-collection/ Open that link at night away from your kiddos because sometimes there are scantily clad (yet clothed) women in advertisements on that page.

        I like a good geek guy, but even I have my limits. It looks like I might have found a really nice one. We’ve been having a fantastic email exchange. He speaks English and knows how to use punctuation! I’m still pinching myself that I’ve found a guy on the internet who is capable of both of those things. I’ll let you know how our first date goes. 😉

        July 26, 2012 at 3:08 am

        • I can’t wait to hear! That’s awesome! (She said, not at ALL jealously…)

          Alright… should any of the following occur, you may have overgeeked:
          – Chewbacca impressions
          – He asks you to step into his tardis
          – Vulcan mind melding on the first date.

          I’m here for you sister.
          (and apparently have exposed my own inner nerd…I didn’t have to look up any of those references…)

          July 28, 2012 at 9:14 pm

  2. Bob Garment (aka Daddy, aka Grandpa)

    If only some of my male counselees had used your dating awareness service before they married. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to explain to them why their wives show mild displeasure when they:

    – Go to Hooters with guy friends to “watch the game.” (I’m not convinced that means football)
    – Respond to a teary wife with, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
    – Point out stretch marks saying, “I’m only concerned with your health.”
    – Password protect their phones and refuse to give their wives the code.
    – Ask to delay a discussion about a vomiting child until half time.
    – Claim that viewing porn makes them better lovers.

    Can we say “Oink?”

    July 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

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